In Tears at Old Navy!

Ok, yep I'll be the first to admit.  I'm a little emotional.  *stop laughing!*  Today was a day to remember.  I took my Mom to Ft. Collins for her final checkup for bicep surgery today and while we were there we finished some Christmas Shopping.  Leon's Dad had sent some money for the kids and he asks that we use some of it for useful gifts like clothing.  So, we marched into Old Navy with the main goal of crusing the kids' clearance and finding the most clothes for them that we could with the money. 
I was on a mission, scouring the clearance racks and RAKING it in.  Some of my most awesome finds of the day were Husker shirts for both of the kids on clearance!  As you can imagine, Husker apparel is not too popular in Colorado.  Anyhow, I decided that Leon and I should get a couple of things too.  My jeans were getting a little baggy and Leon really needed a pair so I looked for some jeans for both of us and before we checked out I tried mine on.  I knew they probably wouldn't fit.  I have never been able to buy jeans from Old Navy before because either my gut and back fat hang so far over the edges that they look ridiculous or I can't even get them up over my ham hocks.  The pants I had on were 16's so I figured I better grab some 14's especially since Old Navy had always run small for me before.  I grabbed 2 pair.  Some regulars and some longs.  I figured I was probably really short and fat now so I better try the regulars on first to not be disappointed.  What the hell...  ?!?!  They're TOO BIG!!!  WHAT!?  I walked out the fitting room doors, looked at my mother and said, what size do these say?  She said 14...  I said um, I think I need to go down a size what do you think?  She said yes. those are definitely too big. 
Ok, first off, how often is it that you go buy new clothes and when you try them on they are too BIG?  I don't know about any of you but that never happens to me, ever.  So, Mom came back with a pair of 12's.  I put them on, slid right in, didn't fight or suck it in or hold my breath.  Holy crap.  I started tearing up.  My Mom looked at me and said well God you don't have to cry about it!  I honestly don't think I have ever in my life bought a size 12.  So, I didn't care how much they were, I bought them.  It didn't even matter.  I was in a 12 and I wasn't letting those puppies out of my hands. 
Next stop, Dress Barn.  Mom likes to shop there and I swore we could go since I spent so long in Old Navy.  Well, guess what.  They had clearance racks too.  Crap.  So I grabbed some 12's and tried them on.  What the heck...  they were almost too big too!!!!!   I could have gone down a size but they had none left on clearance that size so I went with the 12's and figured if I was feeling "FAT" that day I would be extra comfy.  Then I found the dresses.  Got an AMAZING dress for Shae's wedding in February :)  *size 12 by the way!*  I was really excited about that! 
So, my words of the day are SIZE 12.  I know, I'm bragging but you know what.  I deserve it.  It's my turn.  I need the whistles again.  Now, if I can get rid of these batwings I'll be good!  HA HA! 
Thanks to all of my friends and family for your support lately, I would be nowhere without you!

Have I told you lately, that I love you?

Where does time go?  Oh I know...  friends, family, pets, school, church all those little things.  Do you know where yours goes?  Today I am writing because so much is happening in our little community and one in particular is tearing at my heartstrings tonight.  A little 8 year old girl was kidnapped in a tiny little town just about 10 miles west of here.  For those in Central Nebraska, it's a little Wood River to Grand Island type of town.  Why?  Why!  Why does this happen? :(  Every day as I am rushing to work, getting my daughter dressed and cared for and screaming at my son to hurry up and get dressed I forget.  I forget that this may be the last time we ever have together.  It may be the last time he says, "I love you Mom" as he gets out of the car and goes across the street to school.  My paranoid self always watches him to walk all the way into the school and after the news of our kidnapping today it will ALWAYS happen.  I don't care if I am 2 hours late for work.  It will happen.  I don't ever want to risk losing my son in any way.  I don't ever want to hear him say "I love you Mom" for the last time.  These are my kids :(  My life would be absolutely nothing without them.  So much goes wrong so quickly you never know what could happen.  So tonight, I am challenging you.  The next time your kid is getting crabby about getting ready for school, or whiny because they don't want to be at daycare or in the carseat.  Remember to ALWAYS tell them you love them.  Always, no matter how bad it is or how mad you are.  You may not get another chance.  Life is an open book, and you don't always know what the final chapter will entail.  Love them, hug them, kiss them, and yes...  discipline them once in a while but don't make it your life.  If you were to pass away in your sleep tonight what would be the last thing your children will remember about you before they go to bed.  Keep that in mind as you hurry through your morning routine or your nightly routine.  Just like the old marriage advice says, "don't go to bed mad" Well practice this on your kids and I promise, your heart will feel better.  Mine does.  On the days I do forget, it saddens me quite a bit.  Today was one of those days.  Thank God that my son came home safely to me tonight.  I wish I could say about every child out there.  Love your kids and they will love you always...

It could be worse...

It could be worse...

This one has been stirring in my brain.  Twelve days ago our home was burglarized.  I was devastated, depressed, I felt invaded and I couldn’t even imagine WHY someone would be so mean.  Violent thoughts entered into my mind.  Unfortunately I have seen the person who did it so the visual of his face never leaves my head.  I picture myself catching him in the act and slamming a baseball bat into his face or pointing a gun at his forehead.  REALLY?!  Crazy Cari, calm down!  Anger Management is not my specialty as you can tell if you know me AT ALL.  I have this vulnerable part of me who is always willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt.  I even blamed the burglary on myself thinking I left the door open but then I found the broken window...  That set me off.  I knew it was him instantly.  I could only see RED.  All over a TV, a couple of game systems and some cameras.  The most hurtful part was that we worked hard to save the money for those things.  We don’t buy on credit and we EARNED those things.  We didn’t buy them for some criminal to come take whatever he pleased.  I didn’t have a camera to take any pictures of my sister’s one and only 30^th birthday party.  My son will turn 8 this weekend, no camera.  My daughter is starting to learn to crawl, no camera.  Her 1^st Birthday is in a month.  NO CAMERA!  I keep telling myself, it could have been worse...

Last night as I was catching up on my DVR episodes of “The Celebrity Apprentice” I was viciously thrown back to reality.  Leave it to a reality show to do that to you, right?  I was watching last week’s episode.  They were auctioning off artwork that they made to raise money for their charities.  The amount of unselfishness and compassion by those people just hit me like a ton of bricks.  John Rich’s team was raising money for St. Jude’s.  He had a little boy on who had been fighting cancer his whole life and had some sort of device around his neck to even help him talk and breathe.  Can you even imagine?  Can you imagine what it would be like to be his mother?  The anxiety and thoughts that are constantly going through her mind have to be so extreme.  I know what would be going through my head.  “WHY?  Why me, why my son?  What did I do wrong, what else can I do for him?  Is he in pain?  Does he know?  Why are those people staring at him and why are they feeling sorry for him?  He is just like you and me.  He’s just sick!”  My children are my entire world.  They are the reason I get out of bed every day.  When I get off work I can’t wait to pick up my daughter at daycare and see the smile that comes across her face just from seeing ME.  ME!  I can’t even say how different our life would be if my child had cancer or some other disease because I do not know.  We have dealt with my sister being disabled for her whole life but it has become part of our life and we do not know anything different.  It is something she has had her whole life.  How do people do it?  How do they wake up the day after their daughter’s 10^th Birthday and she all of the sudden doesn’t feel good.  After a few doctor visits she is diagnosed with Leukemia.  How does that happen!  How do you just not give up?  People are AMAZING, that’s how.  The workers at St. Jude’s and every other Children’s Hospital in the world have to be the most unselfish people on the planet.  Heaven’s gates are already open for them whenever they are ready.  I’m sure there’s not even a pre-approval process for them J 

So, after that amazing episode I started thinking.  It could be worse.  We always complain that we are broke.  Well guess what, we might not have a lot of money to spare but we have A LOT to show for it.  We drive nice cars, we own a beautiful home.  I am able to get my hair and nails done and my son usually has the newest video game on the market.  We don’t eat like kings, but at least we have food!  We have cable TV, internet, computers, all of it.  So what am I complaining about?!?  It could be worse.  We could be without jobs.  We could be standing in line at the food bank.  We could be moving from house to house, renting and getting kicked out for not paying because we have no job.  For that matter we could be homeless!  Our children could have an incurable disease or disability and we could have no medical insurance.  We could have no family or friends that cared about us.  It really could be a lot worse.  So when I complain about not being able to go to that concert, or missing a night out at the bar with my friends just smack me.  Really?  It could be worse.  I don’t think I’ll be able to stop complaining about money.  Gas Prices, grocery prices, daycare prices.  I don’t think I would be a normal human being if I didn’t always want a little more money in my pocket.  HA. 

As far as the burglary goes, yes I am still UNBELIEVABLY angry about it and I want justice.  I plan to go to court and watch his testimony.  I want him to know I am there watching him and I want him to see that he did not scare me off.  I will not sit back quietly, he will pay for everything he stole from me in one way or another.  Every time I see something missing I just think of the extra license plate he will have to make while he’s in prison.  LOL!  However, I am thankful that we were not home.  We have all of our animals and family members safe.  Material things can be replaced but I could never replace any of my family or animals.  Never.  It will be a long road to travel until I feel safe again in my own home but I will get there.  It might take a 4 Wheel Drive, but I’ll get there.  I really have to thank my friends and family for all of your support lately.  I have the best friends and family on the PLANET!  I just have to remember, it could be worse...

A Helping Hand

Over the past 18 years I have severely struggled with my weight.  I have never blamed my weight on anything other than my passion for food.  Everything I have been given I dealt myself but my dependency on food was becoming an addiction.  The way we live our lives today fast food is always the most convenient substitute for time.  Eat in the car, eat out after baseball practice, or Cub Scouts.  Whenever we have a birthday or promotion or holiday the first thing we do is go to a restaurant and celebrate!  I tried over the years after my son was born to lose the weight myself.  Weight Watchers seemed to work the best for me, I lost 4 sizes in a few months but then my uncle passed away and again we were back to the fast food for convenience because of traveling.  After that one stint of fast food I could not break the habit no matter how hard I tried. 

In May of 2007, after over a year of deciding and health checkups, I opted to have bariatric weight loss surgery (otherwise known as the Lap Band).  I was against the surgery from the first suggestion from my physician.  I was not about to have this “thing” in me for the rest of my life!  I learned more about the surgery and found out that you still have to make healthy eating choices to lose weight.  I thought well if I can do that I don’t need to spend the money on the surgery because it won’t work anyway!  Well, I decided to go for it.  What did I have to lose besides weight right?  The day I had my surgery I weighed an astounding 275 pounds!  How shameful.  What an embarrassment I must have been to my friends and family to have this fat lady around all the time.  Who really wanted to look at me waddle around at the pool?  What a disgrace I was. 

After I had the surgery I was scared to death to eat.  I had heard the horror stories about people who ate too much and hurt themselves.  I was scared to even take a drink of water.  “It is going to hurt”, I would think to myself.  Eventually I started off small with the watery mashed potatoes, pudding and jello.  I slowly moved to yogurt with fruit chunks and that wasn’t too bad.  It was strange to feel the pressure there and to actually realize something was happening when I was eating.  As I eased back into food I couldn’t help but try the fast food.  Chik-Fil-A was my first solid fast food.  A kids meal.  I knew it wouldn’t even come close to making me full but I didn’t want to push it.  Boy was I WRONG!  I could barely finish the meal.  It was so filling.  Wow this thing is really going to work, I thought to myself!  Later that summer we had our annual 4^th of July BBQ.  I cried.  My whole family was eating T-Bone steaks and potato salad and all the fixings.  I took 2 bites of meat and I couldn’t eat anymore.  It would hurt to eat anything else.  How embarrassing to have a plate of food and not be able to finish it.  I would look forward to my weekly Friday lunches with my sister.  Every Friday we go to lunch as a celebration that it is the end of another long work week!  One of the first times we went out after I was back to work we went for Chinese Food.  I ordered my usual, Sesame Chicken.  Mistake #1.  I took one bite and felt some pressure so I thought well I will take a drink of my water to help this thing along through the band.  Mistake #2.  Then I have water stuck in my throat and breaded chicken stuck in my band.  I was so embarrassed.  I couldn’t talk because I was scared I would get sick all over the table.  Eventually I got up and tried to walk quickly to the bathroom.  Thank GOD gravity kicked in as I stood up and pushed the chicken on through my band.  Needless to say, I only ate rice the rest of the meal.  I had made several more mistakes like this but I learned to work around it.  This was not a good thing. 

A year passed and I had only lost about 50 pounds.  Now I say only but I was under the stupid impression this weight would just melt off.  I was depressed.  How lame was this?  All this pain and suffering and I can’t even eat anything and I’m still FAT!  Ok, I thought, it is time to get serious.  I went back to my doctor regularly after that and had my weight checked.  If I didn’t lose enough weight I made him give me a fill on my band and tighten me up.  It had to be the surgery wasn’t working.  Eventually the doctor started asking questions.  What are you eating?  What are you drinking?  Well, I was eating normal food.  I was drinking pop.  I was drinking a cappuccino every day from the gas station.  He looked at me like I must be crazy.  He told me to cut the cappuccino and cut down on the pop.  What a difference little things make.  After I cut the cappuccino and cut back on my pop I started to realize I couldn’t eat hardly anything.  Beef, what’s that?!  Chicken, oh no way!  Fish.  All I could eat was fish.  No hamburgers.  No chicken sandwiches.  Forget the meat I couldn’t even eat the bun!  Uh oh something was going to have to change.  Steak, ya right.  That was a thing of the past.  So, I dealt with it.  I started up at the YMCA on the Elliptical 3 days a week.  I drank 2-3 bottles of water a day.  I ate fish, soup and anything I could get down with ease.  The weight started melting.  By the end of my 2^nd year I had lost a total of 100 pounds!!  I was down to 175!  Now, this may seem like it is heavy to you, but remember.  I was 275 pounds!  I went from a size 24 (tight) to a size 14.  Amazing.  I was so happy.  I was not paper thin, I couldn’t wear a bikini but damn it I flaunted it!  During the 2^nd year I had also dealt with braces.  Then I opted to get rid of the red hair and go for natural with blonde highlights it got blonder as the summer went but I loved it!  So I had lost 100 pounds AND had straight teeth and was blonde!  I looked damn good according to me.  I went back “home” in August of that year to see old friends.  I actually had someone call me and tell me they wanted me to come see them because they couldn’t believe the pictures I had up of myself on Facebook!  I felt so good about myself.  FINALLY I was the one that people were looking at saying dang she looks pretty good!  I even was with a friend uptown and we got called a couple of “HOT BLONDES” by some drunken guy stumbling through the beer garden.  Man.  Normally I would say what a drunk but I felt good.  I felt good to be the one whistled at!

Two months later, I was pregnant.  Oh well, I thought, I’m not going to get the band let out.  I’ll be fine.  Boy was I wrong.  I was puking everything up.  I mean EVERYTHING.  So they let it all out.  What freedom!  I could eat!!  During my pregnancy I only gained 30 pounds.  It doesn’t seem like much but I was humiliated.  What a waste.  I lost all that weight and now look at me.  Fat AGAIN!  Since Kherington was born I have had trouble getting back on the bandwagon but I’m getting back into the groove.  I have lost about 15 pounds of the baby weight but it is not falling off fast enough for me.  I am starting back into the YMCA routine and getting more appointments booked with the doctor to get filled up again. 

Ok so finally, the reason I am writing this is because I am SO SICK AND TIRED of people out there who say that people who have bariatric surgery get the easy way out.  It is not an easy way out and anybody who tells you that is FULL of bullshit.  It is hard work, it’s embarrassing.  If you eat the wrong thing at a family meal you have to get up in the middle of the meal and book it to the bathroom.  It doesn’t just happen overnight and it takes work.  You have to work at it from more than just cutting back on your food intake.  You can’t eat whatever you want.  It is a LIFESTYLE change.  It is nothing more than a diet with a helping hand.  If you are overweight and need some help I urge you to look into this helping hand.  Do I get mad I can’t eat what everyone else is eating?  Yes.  Do I get frustrated when I am thirsty and I can’t drink a whole bottle of water within a few minutes?  Absolutely.  Worst part...  I can’t even do a shot at the bar!  HA!  I have to take it in 3 separate sips.  But guess what...  I get drunk quicker!  HA HA!  Don’t believe everything you hear.  Get a professional opinion and if the option is given to you for this help, take it.  Take it, Take it, and Take it!  Thank you, Dr. Holloway for giving me a helping hand at my weight loss.  I may hate you when I’m out to eat with friends but I am thankful in the end.  I’ll get back down there eventually and maybe this summer someone will be whistling at me again!  I have put before and after pics of myself below.  Take a look.  I actually like getting my picture taken now!