I remember.... but do you?

I remember that day, 17 years ago.  I remember watching in disbelief at 23 years old wondering how something like this would happen in my adult life.  All of these people are running, scared.  We were actually unable to protect ourselves.  We, as a United States were scared.  I remember being scared.  We went to work, scared.  People who owned our company were no longer alive, the paperwork was strewn about on the streets like trash.  What was going to happen to us?  What about all of those people?  How would they get out?  Who did this?  All of those people.  All of those poor people.  I cried.  

Planes crashed, towers collapsed, people died.  It was devastating.  2,996 people lost their lives and so many more were injured.  However, many people lived.  People lived.  Not just white people or rich people or black people.  People lived.  So many people lived through the help of so many others.  The all lived because they came together.  A white person stood next to a black person who was next to an asian person and all three of them were covered in soot.  The police officer escorted them all into an evacuation facility, but was one more important than another?  No, not at all.  United States flags were everywhere that the eye could see.  Communities came together to be one.  Our children we being taught about how wonderful it was to be a proud American.

During those moments of 9/11/2001 our country came together.  No one was protesting our flag or our country.  No one was protesting the first responders, or police on the scene.  We all stood together and helped one another.  We sang together, prayed together and we became American Brothers and Sisters.  Our country became strong.  We were one United Force, no one was a Democrat or Republican that day, we were Americans.  When the Firefighters lifted up the flag, we didn't kneel or argue; we cried and prayed for some shred of hope that there would be life left under the piles of rubble.  Our America came together as we all should daily to be a United States of greater good.  

Hope became the word that was spoken so much during that time.  So many people lost their loved ones and so many still believed in the humanity of togetherness.  Bill Clinton even visited the site and when asked if we should invade Afghanistan his response was, "we should wait until the President makes the decision after investigating the incident."  He respected our government.  There was no name calling or slinging from one party to another.  He proved that we can come together and have stood together.  If a protest started the people found a way to come together and get a long, they literally cried and hugged finding peace in their situation.  

Today, our world is different.  We argue about votes or government parties or shoes or the national anthem.  Since when was America such a horrible place to live?  At what point in the last 17 years did our country take such a bad turn that almost everything you read or listen to is so filled with hate.  We have to shield our children from most of the news and media because we don't want our children to see how America is now.  How awful our America has become in just 17 years.  It's almost as if the terror attacks brought us closer in a crazy way and enhanced all of the goodness in our country.  

I want to live in the United States that I lived in on 9/12/2001.  I fly my American Flag several times a year and very proudly so.  I don't want athletes to whine about oppression or disrespect our police and first responders.  I want our United States to be United again.  I want my children to be able to live in America like it was and be proud to be an American again.  Smile at your neighbor and don't avoid them because you know they voted for Hilary or Trump.  Make peace and know that we can be a United States as we were if we all stand together and all help one another.  Pray together, live together and be proud together.  Make sure that you always remember, because I will never forget. 

Buy the Onions that fill our puddles with tears of joy...

Last week, I had one of the most beautiful days of my life.  I decided to take a break from my work and school life and go out to enjoy one of Miss K's softball practices.  The weather was beautiful, the girls were having a great time with the two amazing coaches we have been blessed with and we were really enjoying just being parents and being blessed enough to be able to have the time to watch her at a practice on a weeknight.

As we were watching Miss K, I couldn't help but noticing a little boy playing in the background by the stands.  He had the greatest smile on his face.  You could tell he was so happy that it was nice outside, so that he could be out in the grass playing.  He seemed to have a bit of a disability or ailment, but it didn't stop him.  He played like nothing was going to stop him that day.  The boy looked as if he was maybe 5 years old, and I noticed his mother happened to be sitting right next to me.  She watched him, worried and telling him to be careful.  He kept laughing and smiling, completely oblivious to anything but the nice weather and all of the kids playing and having fun.

After a while of observing the little boy, I took a deep breath and reached out to the Mom next to me.  I asked her if she would mind if I asked her a question and that I didn't mean to pry.  I asked if her son had a disability, and to my surprise opened up to tell me the story about her little boy.  Her son is a miracle.  A true miracle that I have never seen in real life.  As she told her story I cried.  Her little boy was born at 1 lb 7 oz  at a very early age and his brother, only 1 lb 5 oz.  His brother did not survive.  This little boy survived, and... as you all know my beliefs, this little boy survived to tell his story.  He was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy and barely started walking on his own without a walker last week!  She said he taught himself to walk on his toes and he has never been so happy.  I wiped tears away again.  The boy had just turned 7 years old.  I was really struggling now to hold it together, but in my mind I told myself that this mother  was amazingly strong to tell her story and that I was going to listen.

After talking to the little boy's mother for a while, I strummed up a little more courage and asked who his specialist was here in town.  She put her head down.  This was difficult for her I could tell.  There has not been anyone here who could help this little boy specifically with his issues, they have been told only to go to Denver.  Surgery after surgery, visit after visit.  The boy has had braces, AFO's, a Walker, more scheduled surgeries and just endless medical care.  All of which, is not covered by Medicaid.  My mouth dropped.  She was living the medical care nightmare, but so much worse than what we had lived with Miss K.  I asked this mother if she had ever gotten help from Shriner's Hospital.  She said no, who is that?

It was very hard for me to not cry at this point in the conversation with this mother, knowing how many bills have built up for this family and how many surgeries the poor child has had to endure, especially with people like Shriner's Hospital for Children out there to help.  I explained what the Shrine would help with, how they help, what they would provide, and how much of a great help they have been to my family and SO many others.  The mother and I exchanged numbers and I promised to get her the information to start her help with Shriner's Hospitals.  There are other plans I have for this little boy, but that will come later.

So, what does that have to do with Onions??  Well...  each year all of the Shriners Groups across the United States do fundraisers to help their local Shrine Organizations send our kids and children like this little boy to the Shriner's Hospitals for Children to get the medical help they need.  One of the most famous fundraisers is the Vidalia Onion Sales.  These Onions have become quite famous across the states.  If you Google "Vidalia Onion Sales Shriners",  you will get pages and pages of fundraisers, news articles, Facebook Pages and so on.  They are a low priced way for all of us to pitch in and give back a little to our local Shrine.  You can look up any of the members selling these fantastic onions the Panhandle Shrine Facebook Page at   https://www.facebook.com/PanhandleShrineClubofWesternNebraska/, or you can find them at our local Main Street Market for sale.

Buy a bag of onions.  You could be the one who fills someone's day with tears of joy.

Filling up those puddles again…. At almost 40

It was movie day in our house and of course Mom had to pick the sappy movie of “Inside Out”.  As if crying most of the day wasn’t enough, the movie made most of it worse.  Now I’m snotting all over myself and my glasses are all fogged up. 

Here’s a tip, if you’re having an emotional day, try not to watch a movie that is based solely on emotions.  Every emotion we have combines together to make up our life.  All of the decisions we make and our memories that we keep shape the type of person we are and how we continue to live our lives as adults.  In an adult situation you could see memories of joy during the good times we have together with our friends or family members, and sadness when something hurts our feelings or someone passes away.  We feel fear when our children get hurt are in danger, we feel it when our friends are in a dangerous situation or our family members or friends are in the hospital.  We are scared of what the doctors will say.  As an adult we are disgusted of other’s behavior when they are the same age as us and the immaturity they show as a business owner or even a person in the general population shines through so horribly.  We get angry when someone we loves does something we don’t agree with.  If our kids break something or come home with bad grades.  We fight with our spouses and our friends. 

All of these feelings build us and mold us into genuine people, if you are a genuine person you should have all of these feelings most of the time.  If you are angry all of the time, as an adult you should take the time to sit back and think about some of the joy that has been in your life in the past and find it there.  Bring the joy and all of the other feelings back into your life.  Each of us need these things to survive. 

We can’t walk around being sad creatures all of the time or being super joyful all of the time.  I guarantee I get angry some days, but people compliment me on my smile more than anything.  I would like to think that my smile causes a lot of people to strike up a conversation with me, therefore I have a lot of friends or “acquaintances”.  I do, however, have very few close friends.  These have been some of the best friendships that I have cherished with all of my heart and feel that I could never replace with anyone else.  Many people know that my friendships mean more to me than almost anything besides my family.  In fact, I treat them pretty much like family.  I take them very seriously.  I have very few friends that I let into my family or into my home, but if you do earn that trust it means that Leon and I consider you a part of our family.  You can wear my clothes, take naps here, and roam around the house as you please.  These privileges aren’t given to anyone, especially when it comes to my kids.  With all of the special behaviors that my daughter has and the amount of time it takes for her to get to know someone, I am very picky about who I let into my home. 

When those emotions of disgust and anger come out with those types of friends, I don’t know what to do with myself.  I try to reevaluate the situation and see if something went wrong.  If the friendship was short, I try to see if maybe things came together too quickly.  Overall if a friendship like this is failing, the emotion of sadness takes over and sometimes it’s hard to get the joy back in your life.  The tears come from the pit of your stomach and stream down your face as you try to figure out where things went wrong.  Next, you have to try to figure out telling your kids that your friend that has been there forever all of the sudden won’t be.  No summer baseball games, no gymnastic stunts and no camping at the lake.  All of the promises to the kids were empty.  The emotions of sadness hit again and you have to think about what emotions your kids will be feeling and how you will bring the joy back into their lives.  The smiles that were in their lives yesterday that are no longer there today. 

As a child memories were always important to me, and my memories of growing up have stayed with me as I’ve become an adult.  All of my memories weren’t good memories, but the good memories were some of the best times of my life.  I remember times way back to when I was four or five years old back on the farm and having great times busting windows out of the barn with my cousin.  Fun memories…  not so fun later when I got in trouble, but it was still fun.

As a parent my main goal in life is to make memories with my kids.  It might be a night in our backyard pool cooking some hamburgers on the grill, or it might be driving down the road and Leon teaching Lawrence to fix a flat tire in the summer when it’s 100 degrees.  The best thing is, they will be memories.  The hardest part will be deciding, in the future, who will be involved in making the memories with them.

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The raindrops from our hearts are building oceans between our souls....

Today I have a great deal weighing on me.  My heart is so heavy.  Our community has been so full of sadness for so long, we yearn for something good to happen.  The hate in our country is just overflowing and I don't know how we will ever get it out of our system.  Racism, hate, bullying, harassment, there just isn't an end to what is wrong in our world today.  However, today... today in our small community I saw more hate and evil than I could ever see and it brought  physical pain to me. 

Let me tell you a story about how the past few months have played out in our home.  My daughter, as most of you know was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy when she was age 3.  It took until she was age 3 because of some delays in paperwork and doctors who didn't agree with what they saw.  My daughter did not crawl until she was 1 year old and she did not walk until she was 2.  From the age of 3 to 5 she was in daycare and preschool.  She had developmental delays as expected from children with Cerebral Palsy which delayed her speech, fine motor skills, walking, running and a lot of things in her life.  She was given inserts into her shoes to help the wide gap in her hips and also to lower the amount of toe walking she did when she was younger.  As she grew older she became very frustrated with the lack of communication she was able to have with other kids, teachers, caretakers, her brother, her cousins, grandparents and even us as her parents.  She would throw "fits" throwing her head back, crying and as she got older the fits would resemble rage as they grew longer and longer.  She cried and cried and cried.  We were heartbroken because we could not understand why she threw her "tantrums" as they were called by her caretakers.  As we learned throughout her preschool years, these were normal for children of Cerebral Palsy who often became frustrated that they were unable to work as fast as other children, or were feeling inadequate in the classroom.  The children often feel the need to have immediate attention from an adult or whomever is in charge.  Their pencil needs sharpened, or the obsess over having the blue marker that day.  There is no definite trigger, but there are compromises that can be made and ways to help comfort or console the child through their frustration.

As my daughter grew and got into the elementary school level we were scared for her.  She was adjusted to the Kindergarten level by her best friend being in class with her.  Her first year in school was not so bad, we were happy.  We thought maybe the worst of her years was behind her.  When first grade hit, we were sorely mistaken.  Throughout that year, my daughter was kicked out of daycare because of her fits of rage.  As a 5 year old, in these "blackout" sessions she was able to lay on the floor and physically lift a teachers desk with her legs almost bringing the desk completely down on herself causing physical harm.  The daycare was not educated to care for my daughter and she was asked to leave for fear of harm to staff and other children.  I was devastated.  My daughter was not a demon child.  She didn't do these things at home.  It had to be the staff.  I found that the staff was restraining her and causing her fits to become worse and worse.  She was so worn out that she would fall asleep by 4 in the afternoon from being so tired of screaming and crying throughout the day.  My daughter had no way to communicate what her issues were.  We moved on and hoped for the best.

In 1st  Grade, the fits became awful again.  She would start harming herself.  She pulled her hair out, she punched herself, she threw things at her teacher.  Why was this happening to her?  What was setting her off?  She again, did not do this at home so what could be happening?  We took her to the Doctor again.  No issues with her brain, there were no neurological disorders.  The Shriners could not help her, they stated that sometimes children have seizure like episodes and that they don't even remember when these things happen.  Will this happen forever?  What are we going to do?  We were scared.  Then summer came.

My daughter went to summer camp.  She loved it.  There were probably a total of 10 incidents the entire summer and she even earned camper of the week.  The positive environment really changed her!  We were so excited for school to start.  She really grew up over the summer we thought to ourselves.  We were wrong.  The issues had nothing to do with growing up.  The issues were all about the environment.  My daughter started 2nd Grade.  Due to my daughter being a "special needs" child as so BLATANTLY expressed by our local media today, she was on an IEP or an Individual Education Program.  This was developed in coordination with us, her principal, her counselor and her therapists at the school.  We found out during the first 9 weeks of school that her teachers and administrators were not following her IEP.  This set my daughter back quite a bit.  Throughout the rest of the school year, we have had to go to the Disability Advocacy and get representation for her, we've had to set up numerous amounts of meetings with the administrators, I've had to take my daughter for Psychological Evaluations, Counseling Sessions, Doctor Appointments and now am dealing with night tremors because of her fears of school.  She refers to herself as the worst kid in school.  Children laugh at her and make fun of her because she is "naughty" at school.  The teachers and administrators try, I think, to the best of their ability.  However I think there is so much more that could be done. 

Today it was revealed in our community that another "special needs" child had hurt someone, possibly more than once at their school.  The hate and anger that was lashed out toward that child was just awful.  It was plain despicable.  I am hurting tonight.  I am sad.  No children or teachers should be fearful when they are at school.  I have another blog that will be published tomorrow regarding a different situation on the other side of this spectrum....  However, I can't, I can't stand behind someone who would deliberately spew hate and hateful words toward a special needs child.  Yes, my own mother is a teacher.  What would happen if my mother was injured.  I would be mortified.  I would demand answers, but I would never blame the child.  Ever.  This child is a victim as much as the teacher. 

Please I am asking all of you.  Please.  Please think with your heart.  Please.  Please remember what time of year it is.  Jesus died for our sins.  He is asking us all to forgive, please. 

My God please.  My daughter.  My own daughter is going to be 18 one day.  What happens when she turns 18?  What will you say to her?  Are you going to go after her and bury her at the stake?  Will you burn her on the cross?  Please.  Please think of the child in all of this.  Please remember there are things that they can't control.  Some people were talking as if "these kids" shouldn't be in our schools.  What are "they" doing among us?  Please listen to yourselves.  Please my child is a human too.  Does she not deserve to walk the earth with us?  Does she deserve to be locked up?  She is not a monster all of the time.  You all see her out and about...  she is not a devil.  My own daughter does these same things at age 7.  Now, compare her to that child and think twice please.  Please let's all work together to help our children, our teachers, our schools and our communities to prevail. 

Let's not build walls, rivers or oceans of raindrops between our souls.