What a blessing and a curse it is to feel everything so deeply. As I get older I feel like my emotions are getting younger. When I am happy, I am overjoyed sometimes to the point that I cry happy tears. When I am sad, it hurts. The sad, deep in the bottom of your tummy stinging feeling that hits every few heartbeats. You think about words, the look someone has on their face, the situation, the place, the signals that you missed. Hurt creates fear in all of us, yet we repeatedly feel hurt. Our families, friends or even co-workers can hurt us; we just dust ourselves off and get back on that horse and try again. If we gave up how would we ever get what we wanted in life?
We force ourselves to have hope. We think to ourselves, "It's ok, it wasn't meant to be. I'll get the next job. It wasn't the right place for me to work. That guy just wasn't on the same path as me, or God has a plan for me.. it'll all work out." Will it? How many times do we try before we quit? So many times throughout my life I have lived by the saying that you can't go back and change the past, but you can start where you are and change the ending. How are we supposed to decide what our ending is if every time we think we have it right we get knocked back down. If you take the wrong job or date the wrong person, ... what if. What did you miss out on?
Each corner you turn in life means something, I truly believe that. I so wish I knew why we had to go through the hurt that came along with it sometimes. I've never wanted for a lot in my life, sure I like my nice clothes and shoes and all of that stuff... I'd be really happy to just be happy. Imagine being loved the way you love. That would surely be something to hope for. To fear. We all deserve the same effort we give. Some call that expectation and when we expect things from others, we always end up disappointed. I call that something to look forward to. A fairytale, or daydream maybe? Something like that I suppose.
The life I want is on the other side, I just haven't worked hard enough or earned it back yet. Your goals and dreams come gradually and working for them is how you learn to appreciate them more. Learning the work that needs to be put in is the hard part. Everything in life is a step on the staircase to where we want to go. We just need to keep our eyes ahead of us and not look back, we aren't going that way... and we all know how much it hurts to fall down a set of stairs you have just climbed up. (not to mention funny to watch)
A lot of emotion has been coming out of me when I have been listening to music lately. Yesterday I just put my earbuds in, put my hoodie over my head and curled up next to the window of the airplane. I listened to music and streamed a few necessary tears. A couple of songs have been on repeat for me and sometimes I just break down in tears. I find myself thinking, gosh that would be amazing to have someone feel like that about me to express their words in that way... or that guy has it so right, we can't break up cause you're the only one who knows all that stuff about me. SERIOUSLY... if you've ever read my past blogs... Music is about the lyrics. These people don't just come up with the words out of nowhere. Music is what feelings sound like.
One of the songs on repeat for me lately has been "The Painter" by Cody Johnson. He is such an amazing artist. He did not write the song, but the way he sings it, you feel like he wrote every word and sings every note for his wife. The emotion in his music, it hits home for so many; it's no surprise his shows are sold out. I hope to see him sometime soon.
These first few lyrics, I just feel this... I feel like I strive to be this. I hope someday someone will see me this way again.
She talks about the future like she's flippin' through a magazine
Finds the beauty in the thrown away and broken things
Gets excited about all my crazy dreams
Got every sunset that she's ever seen memorized
Saves in a way for a rainy day or stormy night
The sky's brighter lookin at it through her eyes
I don't remember
Life before she came into the picture
Brought the beauty I was missin' with her
Showed me colors I ain't never seen
She took chances
With every wall I built, she saw a canvas
I thank God every day for how He made her
My life was black and white, but she's the painter
Whether we feel the rain drops or the sunshine, never forgive for feeling them deeply.
