Where does your book begin?

I've been listening to a song a lot lately, over and over and over again trying to work up the nerve to get up in front of the Open Mic Night crowd.  I'm working on two songs that both have meaning in words, but this one just really has brought up a lot with the things our little family of four has been dealing with the past month or so.

As much as many of you would like me to divulge all of those details to you, this must be something that is ours.  Something that we are keeping to ourselves and giving our struggling family time to deal with and heal.  One of the biggest lines in the song that SO relates to ALL of us in our family right now was, "We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way."  How many of us expect perfection?  We expect it out of our kids daily.  In sports, in school.  I hear it all summer long on the ball fields.  Don't let that ball get past you, you have to swing at those, you should have caught that!  We're conditioning them to not make mistakes.  The same rings true for my Miss K.  I try my hardest to make her not different from the rest, but she IS.  I cannot help that, she cannot help that.  We have to take the time to recognize it and help her.  Her transitions are different than others, she's smart as ever but emotionally different than any other child.  SHE will get through life as long as we do not condition her to not make mistakes.

I feel like I fell under this microscope myself this past year.  I conditioned myself to not mistakes.  I could NOT fail in school.  I expected so much of myself.  I refused to hand in a quiz that was not an A+.  I would take it 10 times until it was perfect.  I worked on papers for 14 hours at a time to ensure the most possible points that I could get.  I wanted the best score.  There was no room for mistakes.  I certainly don't blame my parents for this.  I blame myself and my work history.  The past two and a half years of work were miserable.  I couldn't even take too long to go to the bathroom without making a mistake.  I couldn't push the hold button right on the phone.  It was miserable, a blood curdling inhumane place to work.

So, we move on.  Life is our canvas.  Life is our BOOK!  Here's another line..."I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned."  So I've been moping around here like a puppy.  Times have been tough.  We got hit hard with some unexpected crap, I had some spats with some friends, my parents moved away and it hurt.  All of it hurt.  You just have to get up, wipe off the dust and move on.  Talk it out, fight it out, work it out the best way you know how and write a new chapter.  It's your book.  YOU are writing it.  No one else can do it for you, you can't wait around for someone else to fix your problems.  Today after about 4 hours back and forth chatting with a friend, and being mad at the world again for someone else's problems the song came on in the car.  I was reminded that it's my blank page.  OUR blank page.

I have one semester of school left.  I've already been called and approached for opportunities that are amazing.  I've got dreams that are sky high.  Can I achieve them?  You bet I can.  Especially when I have my husband who listens to me cry when I have no one else who will listen.  He lets me yell at him when it's never his fault.  I laugh at him when he falls down the stairs or trips over the water meter in the front yard lighting off a firework and he doesn't get mad or smack me around.  He loves me and supports me and my dreams.  That is a lot, that is more than most women in this world have. My kids they tell me that I can do it.  They dream about moving out in the country and having a fence where the dogs can run, and a driveway where we can play basketball after school and a big yard for a trampoline.  They wonder if we will move to California and live by the beach, they're ready to start their stories too.  My friends.  Some I consider brothers or sisters they are so close.  Some I have hurt in the past.  They let me bash them and still listened to what I had to say because they love me and knew that deep down my hurt was more than what showed on the cover.  The words to the song stung harder than ever tonight,  "I break tradition, sometimes my tries are outside the lines."  They support me like I've never stopped supporting them.  We're all writing our own books, some are moving on and away, new stories and chapters.  New places for us to visit!  Vacations will never be the same.

So, has anyone figured out the song yet?  Since I've recited most of it, I hope that I work up the guts soon enough to do it.  Our little family will be writing a lot of chapters to our book this month.  Please think of us as we go through the trial and error in helping Kherington with her troubles.  At the end of the month we will also make the trip again to Shriner's to hopefully get some answers from the doctors.  We have a long list of questions and will be looking for their guidance.  Until then, we work hard to remember..  "Today is where your book begins... the rest is still unwritten."