All of the times I've been blogging lately, I've been chasing topics and situations but never really taking the time to just write the words of me. This blog has been sitting, partially written for almost a year. Mostly because I'm messy, that's just the plain and short of it. When I started writing this blog I was watching American Idol and a contestant sang a song called "She Used to Be Mine" by Sara Bareilles. Not only did she have an amazing voice, but that voice really pulled me to listen to the words to the song. The first two lines of the song pulled me in to listen. "It's not simple to say, most days I don't recognize me." Wow. That was a realization in itself. Have you ever been to the point in your life that you don't recognize yourself? I have, and I was and at times I still am. The song goes on with the lyrics, "It's not easy to know, I'm not anything like I used to be." That really hit me, it hit pretty hard. I sit down and think every single day about how much my life has changed. My life has changed so much in the last week, the last month, the last year and further on down the line. A couple of months ago I didn't recognize myself. I was depressed, broken, sad and lost.
After a horrible sudden end to a relationship with a man I loved very deeply and pictured spending the rest of my life with, I turned to alcohol for comfort. I thought my life was over, I didn't understand what was so wrong with me or what I did wrong or why no one loved me. Why was it so difficult to find someone who loved me with the same effort that I loved them. I was drinking in the mornings, at night, on the weekends and ultimately every time I couldn't handle something I drank so that I could handle the day better. I used alcohol as a crutch to get me through the times when I would have been talking to him every day and when it was the weekend I drowned my sorrow with a bottle and cried. The problems began to pile up. I was missing work because I didn't feel good, I was having extreme pain and didn't know where it was coming from and I just plain couldn't get out of bed in the morning so I was late three to four days a week. I was making rash decisions and spending money like water. I was driving recklessly and got in an accident completely destroying my Jeep. All of this I did to MYSELF. Where did I go? What had I done? I remember the days that I was scared to even drive my parent's car without a learner's permit because I didn't want to get in trouble and I got out of the car at the stop sign and made my mom drive! More song lyrics resonate loudly...
She's imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine.
I had to change before I hurt myself or someone else. I was already hurting myself emotionally. My family was hurting and I had broken some relationships and trust with people that I really hope that I can fix in the future. Most of all I wasn't there for my children.
Something had to change and that change had to start with me. The first thing I did was to commit to quit drinking. I know people are looking at my social media and rolling their eyes, or getting a good laugh out of it... some people joke about me "finding Jesus" which is pretty harsh, but I found and accepted Jesus as my Savior when I was a little girl. My faith has never changed or waivered, it's just been more fun to go to church on Sunday with my family since I haven't been hungover. When I was younger my sisters and I went to a Christian School and I sang in the church choir when I was in High School. A friend of mine and I even did a little "church tour" and went around to different churches singing "Tears in Heaven" on Sundays for the congregation. I was baptized and confirmed in Christ and an active member of the youth group. Our youth group went on big trips! We went on a camping trip and camped near Valentine and canoed down the Niobrara River. We drove to Minneapolis and went to a Minnesota Twins Game and to the Mall of America back in the 90's!! Our church family was wonderful and we had a lot of fun while we learned the Word of God. My children have also been raised in a Christian home and my Grandmother was a Pastor as well. Next time you see me, I'd love to have a discussion about Martin Luther or even challenge you to name the 66 books of the bible ;) Of all things in my life, my Bible and God do come first because ultimately He does give us the blessings we have. My children are in my life because of Him and I will never forget to thank Him daily for it.
One of the things I feared the most was talking to a counselor. I didn't understand how someone else would "fix" me if I couldn't even fix myself. Quitting drinking was easy. I still don't really have the desire to drink, I mean sure... I would be lying if I said I wouldn't mind celebrating with my friends on a night out or doing a shot for someone's birthday or this or that. At this point in my recovery, I can't do that because my emotions are so unstable that if I feel down and out I wouldn't be able to drink ONE with you. I would drink 5 or 6 or 7... I hope to one day be able to control that, but for now the answer is no. I did start counseling and received a diagnosis that I choose to keep to myself for now, but it has given me a lot of answers to the questions I've had in my head for some time. I've been receiving medical treatment for this diagnosis and weekly recovery counseling from an amazing counselor. I'm pretty sure I've cried every week, but each week has gotten easier. I don't know where my life would be if I hadn't sought out the help of a counselor. She listens, she gives advice from an outside party and she's honest. A couple of weeks ago I received my 30 day Sobriety Chip and already next week I will by 60 days sober. I can't believe it's been 60 days, but I feel amazing. My smile is back and I have energy. It is wonderful to feel alive again! I am getting stronger and stronger every day.
WE ARE NOT YESTERDAY. WE ARE RIGHT NOW.
It doesn't happen overnight, but if you work at it each day you get stronger. Pretty soon a day goes by and you realize you haven't cried today. I installed an app on my phone called how long since. The app lets me put a bunch of different events in my phone... How long since I've texted so and so? How long since I have had a drink? How long since I have cried about missing him? How long since I have missed work? How long since I had a fight with my son? If you track these things it makes you realize what is changing about your life and how you can use the positivity in your life to bring out more good things! YOU are always in charge of yourself and your thoughts. Thoughts are like a drop of water, if you have one bad thought and another and another, pretty soon they are going to collect and they will be a puddle, then a pool, then a lake and then an ocean. All of the sudden you are drowning in those negative thoughts. One after another they will just smother you. What if you filled your life with positive thoughts? What if you woke up every morning and thought, "Today is going to be a great day!"? Since I quit drinking I have tried my hardest to post one positive thought every morning. I have kind of called it my "Morning Coffee Motivation". It includes a picture of me smiling with a different coffee cup every morning and a motivational get up and get your ass moving saying to kind of just put a smile on someone's face. Sure, some people probably think it's annoying... but to me, if I start my day on a positive note I most of the time have a good day. If the sun doesn't shine, you have to shine for it.
In the end, none of us are perfect and God knows I definitely am not. I just want to be better than I was yesterday. Every day is a chance to start again and as long as I live my life to do better and feel better and see better than I believe that my life will BE better. If you change your thinking, you change your experiences!
To those who have stuck by me through these ferocious years and months of my horrible friendship and being a family member of mine. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, I apologize and one day I will get to tell you in person that I love you for being there for me still. Thank you for helping me find my smile again.
Stay tuned for tomorrow's Morning Coffee Motivation!
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