Like the loss of sunlight on a cloudy afternoon... gone too soon.

She's gone.  We all knew it was coming.  There was no denying that she would leave us, but definitely she was gone too soon.

I will never forget the time that I first came to know Tami, the summer of the Cattleman's Ball.  We had been acquaintances, but I had never really got to "know" Tami.  The first night of the ball, we were wiped out, we were beat.  We decided to stay and enjoy the music of 5 to Life.  We danced, we laughed, we had serious moments where we talked about our kids.. we took funny pictures.  She let me know how proud of me she was with the cupcake business that Katie and I had built.  What an amazing person she was and a great friend.

A couple of weeks later it was our birthday. We ran into each other at The Union.  We hit it off again.  It wasn’t a fluke.  We actually got along.  It became apparent to me that somebody was trying to make us see that we were meant to be friends, something… some force out there was pushing us together.  It came to be routine.  If something was going on, I looked to her to see if they were doing something.  We wanted to be a part of what Tami and Kendall were doing.  I started to be interested in Mariah and Cutler.  When Mariah graduated I was so proud to say, “hey I know that girl!”  When she was hired on at Scottsbluff I cried right along with Tami.  Their family started to be part of my family, and I will always be thankful for that.  I will always be proud of them. 

She took a genuine interest in my kids, my job, my school and my life.  There are few friends who ask me about Kherington, but Kherington was always number one on Tami's list.  I hope that Tami knows now that one day Kherington will be running, and not stumbling or struggling and hugging her again with that big smile.  Tami, you will always, always have a special place in Kherington's heart.  She took my daughter under her wing when she didn’t know me from Adam.  Again, out there showing her support for my family as a true friend really would.

School started up for me in the fall, and there she was pushing me to be everything that I could be.  She knew first hand what it was like to want to get those good grades.  Her kids were doing it and she knew I could do it.  She knew how hard it was for me to say no to the nights out and to stay in and do studies, but she didn’t even ask.  She would never pressure me because she understood.  Graduation is two months away, and I can’t believe it.  You’ve been with me all the way.  “Don’t Stop Believing”, right?  That’s our theme song.   I’ll never hear that song without thinking of the four of us screaming that song out loud, and I know that you will be watching over me proud, doing what is right for me and for my family.  Thank you for always having faith in me and knowing and believing that I could do it.

I will always remember you Tami, your smile, your laugh.  Your truths and your ever living trust in me.  These things give me the strength to go on when I just want to give up.  When I do open that cupcake store, rest assured there will be a plaque on the wall with your picture on it to remind me of your faith in our business.  You believed in us, and in me as a person.  You knew I could do it far before I could, and now I know I can too.

I love you, very much.  It’s hard to say goodbye so I’m not going to do that…  I’m going to say thank you.  Thank you and don’t forget about me.  I know you won’t, but be watching for me because when I get there we are going to have so much to talk about…  Gone too soon.

New Year, New Me?

Well, it’s been a whirlwind year.  A good year and a bad year combined but a WONDERFUL year all in all.  2016 is coming up here in a couple of days and I am well aware of things that aren’t as they should be in my life.  Will I make changes? Sure.  Does that mean resolutions?  Maybe.  I used to be one of those people that set goals every year.  January 1^st meant that I would start fresh at the gym or start that new diet.  We would start a new budget at the house or a new cleaning routine, but we would never stick to them.  A couple of years ago we started saving to end up at Disneyland for Christmas, that lasted about two months until an unexpected bill hit the household.  We had a goal to do a certain amount of laundry every night and fold it right away… I won’t bore you with the details of how that situation currently stands. 

For me I just can’t follow the trend, my New Year won’t be about me.  It needs to be about US.  It will be about how we will succeed.  I don’t need to weigh so much, or eat healthier.  We don’t need to clean on certain days of the week or save a certain amount each payday.  It just doesn’t work.  For us the New Year, New Me will turn into New Year, New WE. 

We will communicate better as a family and learn to love each other for what we are and what we have no matter what the circumstances are.  If Dad is working late or Lawrence has practice of some sort, we accept the circumstance for what it is and move on.  Mom has lessons to do… we move on and take it in stride.  No fighting life, it’s a common occurrence that doesn’t just happen in our household and we’ll learn to not complain or “suffer” through it.  We’ll make it a better situation.  We are a strong family and we have gone through many, many tough stages.  This is not that hard, we can do it and we will be stronger for it.

Family.  Family time is a must.  We used to do it, where did it go?  We purchased several board games for each other at Christmas this year and we are getting back into this routine.  We love to play games and so do the kids.  Who says you have to go places and spend a million dollars?  A simple hour of Hungry Hungry Hippos will put out memories that could never be replaced by $60 at the local movie theater.  The cable bill is going to go down and the board game collection is going to go up!

Friends.  We can’t let our friends go.  My school took over this past semester and I forgot about my friends.  I think we got together with friends about three times in the past six months.  It wasn’t healthy for me or for Leon.  We need one night, even if once a month, just to see someone.  We need to visit with people and not forget those friendships.  Friends are like family and a select few of my girlfriends are like sisters to me.  For those of you I have forgotten or lost touch with, I am sorry.  I promise to try harder. 

Just try harder…  that will be our motto for 2016.  We will try harder as a family.  We will get along.  Say sorry.  Not yell or scream or fight, it doesn’t have to be that way.  We’ll try harder to be thankful and to give more and take less.  We can’t take things for granted like our family, friends or our jobs.  These things won’t be around forever and when they are gone… we will never realize what we may have lost.  So, no New Year, New Me for me, we’re going to try a new approach…  New Year, New We.  On to 2016.  Happy New Year everyone!  

When you wish upon a star....

Friends and family it has been quite a while.  We have had an extremely busy and amazing summer.  When I started this blog I tried to make it a goal to blog once a month, but that has proven to be quite a task, especially when I started down this road of continuing my education.  Katie and I started the cupcake business a little over 5 years ago and that has taken off like wildfire in the past year.  Life just sometimes gets in the way of things and all too often, it gets in the way of what is really important in your life… family.

So the reason I took a minute to write tonight was because we have something so amazing to share with all of you.  Something that is still so unbelievable that we are kind of in the “pinch me” phase.  

Let me start by refreshing some of my friends on the story of Miss K.  Now, if you are new to my blog you may not know this but she has a mild case of cerebral palsy.  She does have some other problems related to cerebral palsy that deal with her hips and her hip socket rotation.  Miss K (Kherington) takes trips annually to Shriner’s each year to be evaluated and has some shoe inserts to help her walk a little better but she doesn’t walk perfectly.  Each year she goes back and eventually she may require some pretty invasive surgery on those hips; we don’t dwell on that topic because we leave it to the doctors.  The first year we found out it was hard to hear and devastating, but it is a way of life and we live it.  My sister Rebecca also has cerebral palsy and hers is much more severe than Kherington.  I have dealt with disability my entire life in my family, but it is much different seeing it through the eyes of a parent. 

Earlier this summer, a wonderful family friend of ours messaged me with some questions about Miss K and then asked if we had ever applied for a Make-A-Wish.  Of course I replied with a no.  We were always under the impression that the Make-A-Wish Foundation only helped those with terminal illnesses so we knew that Kherington would be an instant denial.  After much persuasion from this family friend, we accepted the paperwork and read through it.  I filled out what I could and set up an appointment with our family doctor to get his opinion.  I certainly did not want to “fake out” any organization as wonderful as the Make-A-Wish Foundation and I wanted to see what he thought of this whole thing…  what was his take on this?  To my surprise, he was informed and excited.  He was all for Kherington getting a wish and thought she was a perfect candidate according to the guidelines listed out in the paperwork and her condition as far as his medical opinion.  My mouth dropped.  Are you kidding me?  Ok… I finally submitted the paperwork.  I guess we’ll see what they say. 

We had been busy through the summer and then I got an email from the Make-A-Wish sponsor right before school started.  They wanted to visit with Kherington.  Oh boy, what is this little girl gonna say I thought…  she is an iPod addict.  I can only imagine what she will tell them.  So the two representatives came over, and they asked Kherington so many questions.  What her favorite foods were, what her favorite color was, her favorite toys, and her favorite baseball team…  and yep she said The Rockies!  Wooohoo we did something right!  Then, the big questions came.  If she could go anywhere in the world, where would she go.  When we asked her that earlier in the summer she said, “to see the princesses in the big castle”.  Her response to the team was Disney World.  Oh man… she didn’t even hesitate.  Ok, next question.  If she could meet anyone she wanted to meet, who would it be?  “Michael Jackson”.  She didn’t even skip a beat.  So… explain that one out to a 5 year old.  Haha.  We all got a good kick out of that one.  After her interview, we had the grown up talk.  The “pinch me” part.  We were told that Kherington was being granted a wish and we were being sent to Orlando.  We would get to go as a family for 5 days.  Fly to Florida, Disney for 3 days, and Universal Studios for a day and Sea World for a day.  Is this even real?  I feel like we won the lottery, we don’t deserve this.  I wanted to cry.  I did cry.  I still cry. 

A couple of weeks ago we found out when we get to go on the trip.  We will be leaving in the middle of November and get back just before Thanksgiving.  A little bit of sunshine in the middle of winter will be a nice break for the kids.  It will be a time that our family can just take a break, a break and not be running here or there or everywhere.  We’re not hurrying to drive to this place or that.  All because of a friend and a wish.  I feel like we really did wish upon a star.  Our kids have brought so many moments of joy into our lives; we never really take a minute to thank our kids for that.  The memories that we will have as a family from this will be irreplaceable. We will never, ever be able to thank the Make-A-Wish foundation enough for this opportunity.  I know that Kherington and Lawrence will remember it for their entire life and the smiles will take a long time to go away.

It looks like you get to see your princess at the big castle Miss K.  That's what happens when you wish on that star...

Thank you… we will forever feel blessed.   

Life is what you make of it...

This afternoon I took the kids to see the movie "Inside Out".  Now if you don't want any movie spoilers, stop reading because I'll give you a few.  I was crying 5 minutes into the movie.  The basis of the movie is the emotions and memories of a child.  Now, it doesn't seem like a kid's movie but holy whoa my kids TOTALLY got it.  PLUS this mom totally bawled her eyes out.

The movie separates out all of a child's emotions.  Joy, sadness, fear, disgust and anger.  Combined these make up the child's life, the decisions they make and the memories they keep to shape the type of person they are as they grow up and become an adult.  WOW, deep right?  They showed the little girl at the beginning having memories of being a goofball walking around with underwear on her head, and memories of disgust because she didn't want broccoli for supper and then anger when she learned she wouldn't get dessert if she didn't eat her supper.  Memories of joy when she played sports and memories of her past friendships as she grew up...  now you see why I was bawling throughout the movie?

Memories have always been important to me.  My memories of growing up have stayed with me, I live them out and remember them a lot.  Some of them weren't happy, but the ones that were good were some of the best times of my life.  I can remember things way back to when I was four or five years old and that is the complete truth.  We lived on the farm back then.  Sure, this wasn't our family's happy ending but we did have some happy memories there.  That is what makes up our lives though, and that's what this movie was about!  All of the combined emotions and memories that make up our lives and shape us into the person that we are today.  I truly believe that we file some of those bad memories away, and forget about them because we just don't want to remember.  I don't remember a lot about living in Salt Lake City.  I didn't like it there.  I missed living in Nebraska.  I felt very much the same as the little girl in the movie did, alone and sad.  I went to 7 --  SEVEN -- different schools growing up.  It was tough.  People wonder why I am insecure with friendships sometimes...  well, it was tough to make new friends all of the time.  Most of my time was spent at Wood River and I think that is why I will always call Wood River my home.  I feel you all accepted me the most there...  my happy memories were there...

So now we move on to parenthood.  As a parent, we all want the best for our kids right?  This is SOOO going to make me start crying again.  I try every single day to make the best memories for my kids, either we make supper together or go swimming or watch a funny TV show.  Something.  Every once in a while we do that special something that they will always remember.  They'll never ever forget that.  Last year when Leon bought me the Todd Helton Retirement Game tickets for Valentine's Day I had no idea what an impact it would make to take Lawrence to that game.  I was crying as they retired his number and revealed it on the side of the stadium.  I looked at him and said, "Lawrence, when you grow up and we bring your kids here, you'll be able to tell your kids that you were here the day that Todd Helton's number was retired.  You'll be able to tell them all about how you used to come and watch him play on this very field."  These memories.  These memories are the ones that I strive for with my kids.  They didn't have to cost a lot.  If you go to a baseball game at Coors Field the right way, you can take in a cooler with food and water and buy cheap seats.  You can drive up and back in a day and have a pretty inexpensive memory.

 This is what we do.  We're a family, we make memories.  I hope and pray that one day they will be blessed to have the friendships that I had growing up at Wood River.  Joy and Happiness weren't always there, of course I had sadness and anger.  What teenager doesn't right?  What matters most is that the good outweighed the bad and that ALL of that combined shaped me to be the person that I am today.  To raise my kids with the good morals and ethics that I learned from my parents and from my church family and community there.  We were all a family.  We all contribute to each other's lives.  If you haven't seen this movie yet, it was a GREAT family movie.  My kids learned so much from it.  I learned from it, you definitely should make it a point to see it.  You'll see life from a whole different point of view...

Where does your book begin?

I've been listening to a song a lot lately, over and over and over again trying to work up the nerve to get up in front of the Open Mic Night crowd.  I'm working on two songs that both have meaning in words, but this one just really has brought up a lot with the things our little family of four has been dealing with the past month or so.

As much as many of you would like me to divulge all of those details to you, this must be something that is ours.  Something that we are keeping to ourselves and giving our struggling family time to deal with and heal.  One of the biggest lines in the song that SO relates to ALL of us in our family right now was, "We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way."  How many of us expect perfection?  We expect it out of our kids daily.  In sports, in school.  I hear it all summer long on the ball fields.  Don't let that ball get past you, you have to swing at those, you should have caught that!  We're conditioning them to not make mistakes.  The same rings true for my Miss K.  I try my hardest to make her not different from the rest, but she IS.  I cannot help that, she cannot help that.  We have to take the time to recognize it and help her.  Her transitions are different than others, she's smart as ever but emotionally different than any other child.  SHE will get through life as long as we do not condition her to not make mistakes.

I feel like I fell under this microscope myself this past year.  I conditioned myself to not mistakes.  I could NOT fail in school.  I expected so much of myself.  I refused to hand in a quiz that was not an A+.  I would take it 10 times until it was perfect.  I worked on papers for 14 hours at a time to ensure the most possible points that I could get.  I wanted the best score.  There was no room for mistakes.  I certainly don't blame my parents for this.  I blame myself and my work history.  The past two and a half years of work were miserable.  I couldn't even take too long to go to the bathroom without making a mistake.  I couldn't push the hold button right on the phone.  It was miserable, a blood curdling inhumane place to work.

So, we move on.  Life is our canvas.  Life is our BOOK!  Here's another line..."I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned."  So I've been moping around here like a puppy.  Times have been tough.  We got hit hard with some unexpected crap, I had some spats with some friends, my parents moved away and it hurt.  All of it hurt.  You just have to get up, wipe off the dust and move on.  Talk it out, fight it out, work it out the best way you know how and write a new chapter.  It's your book.  YOU are writing it.  No one else can do it for you, you can't wait around for someone else to fix your problems.  Today after about 4 hours back and forth chatting with a friend, and being mad at the world again for someone else's problems the song came on in the car.  I was reminded that it's my blank page.  OUR blank page.

I have one semester of school left.  I've already been called and approached for opportunities that are amazing.  I've got dreams that are sky high.  Can I achieve them?  You bet I can.  Especially when I have my husband who listens to me cry when I have no one else who will listen.  He lets me yell at him when it's never his fault.  I laugh at him when he falls down the stairs or trips over the water meter in the front yard lighting off a firework and he doesn't get mad or smack me around.  He loves me and supports me and my dreams.  That is a lot, that is more than most women in this world have. My kids they tell me that I can do it.  They dream about moving out in the country and having a fence where the dogs can run, and a driveway where we can play basketball after school and a big yard for a trampoline.  They wonder if we will move to California and live by the beach, they're ready to start their stories too.  My friends.  Some I consider brothers or sisters they are so close.  Some I have hurt in the past.  They let me bash them and still listened to what I had to say because they love me and knew that deep down my hurt was more than what showed on the cover.  The words to the song stung harder than ever tonight,  "I break tradition, sometimes my tries are outside the lines."  They support me like I've never stopped supporting them.  We're all writing our own books, some are moving on and away, new stories and chapters.  New places for us to visit!  Vacations will never be the same.

So, has anyone figured out the song yet?  Since I've recited most of it, I hope that I work up the guts soon enough to do it.  Our little family will be writing a lot of chapters to our book this month.  Please think of us as we go through the trial and error in helping Kherington with her troubles.  At the end of the month we will also make the trip again to Shriner's to hopefully get some answers from the doctors.  We have a long list of questions and will be looking for their guidance.  Until then, we work hard to remember..  "Today is where your book begins... the rest is still unwritten."

A Girl Can't Cry All The Time....

Today was a day of deep thinking for me as I really took a long time trying to decide how I would approach my blog.  I really had no reason to blog until yesterday.  It was such a great Saturday, husband and kids and I participated in the United Way Color Run and what an amazing sight that was to see.  There were so many people there that paid to participate in this great event, raising money for The United Way.  It kicked our butt.  We were surely sore later that afternoon, but that just meant that we were entirely way too out of shape!  We will do it again next year and the year after that as long as it continues.  It was a great way for us to come together as a family and do something good.

During the run, our son ran into a friend of ours who mentioned that some goings on might be happening that night but we never heard anything from the usual group of our "family" friends where we hang with their families and the kids get to have fun, etc.. so we just went on and stayed home for the evening.  We sat home and waited for the call that never came, went to bed and woke up the next morning to start another day.

Well, that's where Social Media gets the best of us right?  Where our "friends" come in?  Maybe I'm just too polite, or I read people's signals wrong.  Maybe, just maybe, I read them ENTIRELY too wrong.  Wrong for years I guess.  So the friends had their get together.  They just "forgot" to let us know, AGAIN.  I understand if it was a one time ordeal, but as of late it keeps on happening and it just hurts.  I spent the day trying to understand what it was that we did.  What did I do?  Was it me?  Was it my kids?  Was Kherington too much to handle while we were there?  Did the boys not get along with Lawrence?  Do the wives not like me that much?  Then it hit me.  It's definitely me.  It HAS to be me.  A few weeks ago the same thing happened.  All of the wives went out for drinks right after college classes got out and I would have DEFINITELY been down to go out.  I mean you guys for sure see me whining about all the homework I had right?  I was READY to get out of the house.  Ya, I didn't get invited.  When I mentioned it, they said "Oh Cari, next time for sure!"...  for sure.  Well, you kind of forgot me next time.  The very next week, we had a get together, the wives all sat in another room ignoring me.  It's me.  

So, guess what.  It's time for me to do what's right for me now.  I'm damn tired of walking on eggshells around you.  You can keep posting your "memes" on Social Media about me if you want, until YOU come forward with your apologies I am done dealing.  Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE in my life is doing what is right for them right now and my entire life is falling apart going down the drain.  I have cried almost non-stop for about 2 months and my "friends" could give two shits.  I've had no one to talk to about it besides two or three people.  My whole world is turning completely upside down in less than two weeks and really I feel like no one could give a shit.  I haven't had a "girls" night in almost 2 years.  Something has GOT to give.  My parents are moving away in less than a month, my sister is gone, my "friends" who I thought were my friends were never really my friends.  ESPECIALLY if they are continually posting crap on Social Media in reference to me instead of approaching me questioning me that it might be a misunderstanding.  Apparently...  it wasn't.  

It's got to end, there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel.  I don't even know which way is out.  I guess I feel like I've been lied to for so long, I don't know what is real and what isn't.  Now that it's all out in the open...  you all know my dirty little secrets, there's nothing left to be said.  I'll sift through the rubble that is left, wearing my heart on my sleeve like I always do and start at square one again.  11 days short of age 37 in a town that is not that familiar to me, with very little family left here.  Thankfully I have the very few, very close ones, that I know without a doubt that I can call my family.  That will be there for me.  For that, I am thankful.  Until the rest is figured out, I guess I'll just continue to try to smile because, a girl can't cry all the time.

32 Weeks Down

Well, I haven't blogged since January.  I am assuming I was on some sort of a break or I had a lull in my homework.  Most likely I was ticked off and needed somewhere to vent.  This time I am relieved.  I can breathe, I can sleep, I can take a BREAK!

Last Thursday I finished my 2nd Freshman year of college.  In the fall of 1996 I went to college for a year and a half.  During that time I wasted a scholarship that was awarded to me by not paying full attention to my studies and not attending the classes that I was required to go to.  The only classes that I got good grades in were my legal classes and my music class.  I failed math and had to take it again the next semester.  I never went to geography class.  I hated school, I wanted nothing to do with it.  Money was what I wanted.  I wanted to work, I wanted to have nice things and I didn't want to wait for them.  While I was in college I made $15.00 an hour and paid no rent living with my parents.  Who makes that kind of money at age 18 and what do you do with it?  SPEND IT!  I bought a BRAND NEW car!  My awesome car had 4 miles on it when I bought it.  Boy did I pay for that thing too.  Then, I met this guy, I liked hanging out with him.  So much in fact, that I decided we should move in together and I really didn't have time for school.  I dropped out, mid semester.  I didn't withdraw.  I straight failed out of the classes.  I went on academic probation.  I could not go back unless I would pay it out of my own pocket.  So, I quit.  I didn't need school.  I had already proven I was making amazing money on my own without it.  Not necessary.

Fast forward 20 years.  I had a complete life cycle.  I had wages drop from 7.25 an hour all the way up to over 23.00 an hour!  I was living an amazing life.  Then, it all came crashing down.  In one day, my sister, my father and I were all at a loss for jobs.  My sister decided to finish her bachelor's degree.  My father found a great job right away.  I found a job.  It was the most horrible job in my life, ever.  I've never been exposed to such an environment ever in my entire life for such a minimal wage.  Last year in May, a very good friend graduated with her Associates Degree.  I cried during her entire ceremony.  That could have been me up there.  What an IDIOT I was!  Why did I ever quit?  Why didn't I just go back to school?  Well, the next week I signed up.  I was late to the game.  I decided to get my degree in Info Tech since that was what I had such vast experience in, and I haven't regretted it a single step of the way.  I haven't gone to bed on time in 32 weeks.  I am over dosing on caffeine like crazy.  I rarely see my friends, if at all.  Some of them are still around, but I know that the real ones understand.

What was different this time around?  I cared.  I pushed harder and I tried.  Sure, I could have just passed.  It wasn't what I wanted.  I wanted that A grade.  The first semester came and went and I got all A+'s.  I could have cried.  Where was this determination 20 years ago?  This semester came and when I was almost done I almost gave up.  I had about 4 weeks left and I just about took the B's and said screw it.  I wasn't satisfied.  That wasn't me.  So far, I'm pretty sure I've got the 4.0 but I have to wait for the teachers to post.  Waiting is the hardest part.  I was praised with high regard by my History Teacher this semester and his is looking to me to help him write HIS syllabus for him and help to see if the direction of the course is going the way it should for his students.  I am honored beyond words!

So what next?  I thought you found the perfect job??  Oh my gosh I have been blessed.  I have an amazing job.  I love it beyond anything.  I never knew what I could really do until someone had faith in me the way these people do.  My amazing boss and publisher are so supportive and have had so much help in me getting through this second semester.  My co-workers are there when I have a crappy day for me to just vent to.  They are all there when I have a great idea, or to laugh at me when my idea really just sucks!  We are a TEAM, something that I haven't been a part of for almost 3 years now and I missed that.  Finally, the puzzle pieces are falling into place.  I'll be signing on for my sophomore year in August and then graduating in May.  It'll be another crazy year, and yep I'll complain all the way.  Get used to it, it keeps me sane.  I'm taking you on this long and winding road of mine.  It's the path I take to my fantastic voyage!  Get in and come along for the ride, you never know where we might end up!