The Life of a Lap Bander

Alrighty, here goes nothing.  This topic is something I need to write about.  Not because I'm angry and not because I am calling anyone out.  Simply because I am trying to inform people about what I go through on a daily basis and I am quite frankly a little hurt.  This is going to be a LONG blog.  It has taken me all day to decide what I am going to write but I want to make sure that people do not feel I am pointing them out.  I just want people to realize what this is and what it does to a person.  There are reasons that you need to have psychiatric evaluations before you have the surgery.  So, here it goes.

The lap band does not come with brain surgery.  Your brain does not automatically know how to work with the lap band.  You will make mistakes.  You WILL crave things.  There will be days you can eat a lot and there will be days you don't want to eat anything.  There will be times you will try to stuff yourself full to the point you will be uncomfortable and you will throw it up.  You will be embarrassed.  It will happen at home, in a restaurant, in front of friends, in front of family, in front of your kids...  it will happen. 

The first thing you have to come to realize is being overweight is ALL about personal accountability.  Weight is what I eat, not something imposed by an outside force.  If you want to be in charge of your weight you have got to measure what you eat.  Not only the calories but the serving size.  You have to find out what does and what doesn't work with the lap band.  Certain foods stick in a bad way, you either learn to avoid them, or you will have some bad experiences.  Some of the top foods that get stuck in the lap band are:  breads, tortillas, pastas, sticky rice, rubbery eggs, chicken.  Sometimes these foods will pass but most often they will become stuck.  Today I learned through other people's blogs that even though I thought I was the only one, a lot of people try to put thing on these foods to make them flow easier down the lap band.  Things like butter, fatty dressing, gravy, ketchup, pasta sauce.  This, however, leads to calories added to your daily diet which becomes fat. 

Chicken is one of the healthiest meats for you but most often when it is made it is way too dry or too tough.  Lately I find myself eating it as a fried chicken leg with extra potatoes and gravy.  Yep that's healthy and calorie free let me tell you...  I'm one of the people who finds the loop holes!
 
Bread is something I learned VERY quickly it is not worth it.  It just becomes mashed up dough that sticks in my stomach and ends up back in the toilet.  Pasta 90 percent of the time.  Same exact thing.  UNLESS I cheat and get extra sauce.  Which is really healthy for me let me tell you.  This is dangerous.  If you vomit all the time it can cause your band to dislodge or slip in such a way that you will need another surgery to either replace the lap band or you will have to have it removed.  You can damage your stomach or esophagus and rip or tear it causing excessive bleeding and die!  Seriously it's not worth that for a piece of bread...  not to me.

 Another food I was shocked to find in my blog searches today was ground beef.  I thought I was weird but I could not find 1 person who could eat ground beef.  Thank God because I was really feeling like I was strange!

Now knowing what to eat is one thing but learning how to eat it is quite another.  Even though you know what foods work and which foods don't, there will still be times when foods get stuck even foods you eat every day.  This comes from eating too fast or taking too big of a bite.  When you eat, do it slow, small bites!  I always use a small fork and a small spoon, my family thinks I'm weird but even another blog I read today they suggested to do that.  LOL!!  I almost died when I read that!  AND doctor suggestions for all lap band patients is three meals a day... SMALL meals, lap band quantities.  That is all that anyone needs to sustain. 


So with all of this said we will visit how I am doing with my lap band surgery.  In October of 2011 I weighed in at 193 pounds.  On Tuesday I weighed in at 139 pounds so in 11 months I lost around about 60 pounds give or take a few.  This brings my total to 136 pounds lost.  I did seem like a lost a lot of weight over the summer but in reality I only lost about 20-25 pounds since February.  I think maybe my weight just shifted around a little or I lost it from different places and my pictures look funny.  I have argued to the point of yelling with my family members.  I have cussed and screamed.  If you look at the weight loss over the span of a year 60 pounds really isn't that much.  I am not anorexic.  I eat.  You don't see me eat because if you look at the list above of the food that a lap band patient really can't eat and you look at what we eat when we all get together you see why I'm not eating when we are together.  If you take me to TDO and sit with me to eat a Pork Chile plate, I'll clean it up.  You have to give me the right food to eat.  I ate a POUND of crab legs 3 weeks ago.  A POUND.  It's not that I don't want to eat you guys...  it's that I can't eat what you fix.  I don't complain.  I don't want you guys to always adjust your life around me.  BUT, please remember my feelings too.  When we go out of town and we are talking about where we want to go eat, when I suggest something, take a minute to think about the fact that maybe it's because I think there might be something there I can eat.  Please remember I can't eat french fries.  I can't eat a hamburger on a bun.  I can't eat a tortilla wrap, I can't eat all that stuff you can.  I am limited.  This is NOT your fault, it's my choice but I am asking for your help.  PLEASE please.  If I agree to go somewhere you suggest, don't look at me in pity and tell me I have to eat something or I'm going to be sick because there is nothing on the menu that won't make me throw up.  Just let me be and let me snack on unhealthy stuff until we get home to my fridge please.  I know it's hard and I know you love me but I'm really trying and I'm healthy for the first time in my life.  I feel good, I can walk around and not have a heart attack, I can play sports, I can run and play with my kids.  I don't care what I look like.  I want to live a long life.  That's what matters.  Please remember that when you judge me and please trust my doctors.  They have done this for years and they have success under their belts.  I'm not their only patient.  I appreciate your concern, I do.  Let me have just a month to be happy please...  The doctors just told me 2 days ago I was one of their biggest success stories.  Let me have the smile on my face about that for just a couple days.  I didn't even get to have it for a couple of hours before having a fight.  I just want to be happy with what I've accomplished.  It was hard work.  It was painful, until you have gone through it you just don't know. 

This pic is a pic from January to August.  I am only 10 pounds from my Doctor's goal then I am finally done!

Uh-Oh Spaghetti O

So again, it has been a while. Lots of things have been happening in the past month. First things first, Kherington had her MRI and her initial results are that the MRI is completely clear. There are no visible signs of damage according to the pediatric neurologists. The scans are being sent to Denver to have them double checked by the Neurologists at Children’s but we are confident that they will agree. Things have improved for her. She has started walking all over and talking more and more. It is almost like a switch was turned off and all of the sudden it turned on and she took off. We are currently teaching her to say “uh oh spaghetti o” she is so stinking cute when she tries to say it. If you didn’t know what she was trying to say you wouldn’t know what she was saying but oh it’s so funny. The tears still appear when I happen to look at her and think about what could have been or could still be, but they come less often and May 18^th will not come fast enough. 

Lawrence finished his run with the musical. That little munchkin was so into his part. He really surprised me with how seriously he took the role. I think we will be in for it later with his good acting skills! He had so much fun and I was so proud of that dang kid. The last night of the musical was his cast party. He partied like a rock star out there on the dance floor with all of those high school kids. Again, I think I will be in for it later...

During the same week as the musical, Leon got an unexpected phone call from his Dad, Art. He was in the hospital and had been having some heart troubles. For those of you who do not know much about him, he is retired and travels all over the US in his camper. He happened to be in Oklahoma when he started having troubles. After a couple of days in the hospital they decided to put a catheter in his heart. There was some blockage and things just aren’t so hot. Later that week Leon’s brother Dirk headed down to Oklahoma to help get him started on the trek to Scottsbluff. Leon flew out a couple of days later and met him there. Together they drove Art back to Scottsbluff and made sure that his camper was all set up here where he could have a regular doctor and someone close by in case there were any other troubles. His recovery is going slowly. It’s hard to see him without the usual bright face and know that he knows he is not as healthy as he was. It will be a long road for him but we got him in with our WONDERFUL doctor Dr. Papenfus and he is in good hands. 

This very same week I learned that some news I had heard regarding my Uncle Freddie was a little (well A LOT) more severe than I had thought. This is a very difficult subject for me. He was diagnosed with Lymphoma and after testing they have come to find it has spread to many parts of his body. I am distraught. I do not know all of the details or how to explain them but it is just a horrible horrible thing. Stupid CANCER! Freddie is more than my Uncle he is like my big brother. We are only 5 years apart so we basically grew up together. He taught me karate in the barn, took me for dirt bike rides in the pasture, we would go on secret paths down by the creek and explore. Although it seems selfish, I just don’t know how I could get past it if he were to leave us. I am continuing to think positively, but it is very hard. I am having a hard time coming to terms and haven’t even been able to call him yet because I just don’t think I can carry on the conversation without breaking down because I think of how much I would miss him. He is supposed to be there to smile and laugh. His laugh is like no other. If you know him, that laugh, it is nothing to be mistaken for anyone else. Freddie I love you so very much and I will keep praying for you every single damn day. Ugh! 

Ok enough with the tears for this blog post, on to brighter skies. Today is my son’s NINTH Birthday! Nine years old already. Holy crap. That little twerp. Who would ever imagine I could raise such smart and beautiful kids. Not to brag, but I think I’m doing a pretty dang good job at that J My sister also turns the big 29 today. Oh Katie, you’ve only begun to see getting older my dear. Just beg for that vampire to come save you before you turn 30 and you will be just fine! 

Sorry to throw so much at everyone at once! As always, your prayers are appreciated for EVERY one of my friends and family members who are having troubles. Life can be a tough bitch. I’m learning that as I go, but if you slap her hard enough she will back off! 

When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by...

Ok, so even though it looks like the skies in my life are bright and sunny, really they aren’t. I have the uncanny ability to only share what I want people to see. It makes me “look” better to everyone else. However life, as we all know, isn’t all a bed of roses! The past few months of our life has been crazy to say the very least. Our latest hurdle involves my beautiful princess. Since around Thanksgiving we had come to the disheartening conclusion that Kherington was having issues. At that time she was 18 months old and still not walking. I did not feel it was an issue because she had always been a little behind. She didn’t crawl until just after her 1^st Birthday and so I just passed it off as a little delay. Well, after conversations with her daycare we decided maybe we better ask our doctor what he thought. God Bless our doctor, he said she was just being stubborn but if we wanted to help her out we could start some physical therapy in January. During those two months it seemed as though her walking did not get better and it actually regressed. So, in January we started her in Physical Therapy. Her first session was just focused on her walking. They decided that her ankles rolled in a little so we ordered some inserts for her shoes. I felt so sorry for her. You could tell that they would hurt her by the end of the day, the poor baby was even rubbing her own feet when we would take her shoes off L We kept it up though, because we knew that it was important for her to have the support and we would just have to be tough. Her second session of therapy was focused on her motor skills. Picking things up, coloring with a crayon, all of the basics. She passed that with no problems. The therapists decided that she was ok as far as those skills went but that she should continue with the walking to see how she progressed. 

Near the middle of February we were not seeing a lot of improvement. This caused concern not only with us, but again with the daycare. They were genuinely concerned, even though it is not fun to hear we needed to hear it. So, back to the doctor we went. This time the doctor showed some concern. He truly thought she would pick it up but after some initial testing it was determined that she was developmentally delayed. Of course this started throwing all sorts of red flags our way. My sister, Becky, is handicapped. She was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy and Epilepsy at an early age. Even though Cerebral Palsy is not a genetic disorder, I couldn’t help myself from wondering if that was what was going on. At first I was ok with it. I was ready to handle anything. I am a Mom and I am tough I would tell myself. Kherington will get through it and if she doesn’t walk then I’m familiar with it. I’ll deal with it and anything God throws my way. Then the clouds started settling in. Why would this happen? My little girl will never be able to have a normal life. She will not get to go to prom with a date if she can’t dance. How will she walk down the aisle. Dramatic, yes I know... but hey that’s me.

So, with our doctor’s help we have scheduled a neurological exam for Kherington with Children’s Memorial Hospital in Denver on Monday, March 12^th. They will do some testing, see if everything is functioning ok and tell us where to go from there. I am prepared to hear the worst but praying with everything I have for the best. Unfortunately I do not handle a lot of stress too well. I have been taking a lot of time for myself and going out to try to be care free. It doesn’t work, but it helps. It’s definitely not the solution, but I have to figure out on my own how to start handling it now. If the road is bleak, I will need to start preparing to travel it no matter what the cost.

Now, with that all said, we’ll get to the title of this particular blog. Ironically I had previously scheduled to finally get my Marilyn Monroe portrait tattoo on March 14^th. If you do not already know she is my inspiration. She struggled through so much and ultimately lost her battle but I still respect her entirely. Since my tattoo on my back has the music for the first few bars of the song “Smile”included (“Smile, though your heart is aching...”) I have decided to add a little more than just my Marilyn tattoo. I am adding the words, “When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by”. These will be an everyday reminder for me to know that God will throw these things my way but I will get through. WE will get through. Life may look like rainbows and sunshine but once in a while there are clouds in that sky, and yes, I will get by.

The song is amazing, if you don't know it you can listen simply by clicking on ... Smile :)

Skinny is NOT Starving

Who even defines "skinny" anyway?  I found this on Urban Dictionary tonight.  It almost made me pee my pants I laughed so hard. 

Skinny-

Something a lot of girls want to be, also known as perfection. No matter how thin some girls get, they will never be happy with their weight.   So ok, I have learned this the hard way the last couple of days.  I am not "skinny" according to my standards.  Thus, I decide I am going to take things into my own hands.  Control the situation.  It is all mental right?  Wrong.  Wrong, wrong, wrong!  In a period of 48 hours I consumed about 1200 calories, burned almost 400 working out and only took in about 32 ounces of fluid.  Yep that was fun when I was getting on the scale losing 2 pounds a day!  Holy awesomeness!  However, it was not fun to practically black out at my desk at work, have my boss so worried about me that he literally buys me water and tells me to drink it now, and make a trip to the Dr to get blood tests and figure out what is going on.  I looked freaking amazing too let me tell you.  Eyes all sunken in, HUGE bags under my eyes, dazed and confused.  Literally.  Yep, it was awesome.  All I could see was the number on the scale going down.  That was ALL that mattered.  Well, guess what I hit my goal for Vegas and then some but I paid a huge price.  It should not matter.  IT SHOULD NOT MATTER!  It doesn't matter how "skinny" or "fat" I am.  My health should be what matters, not people's perception of me.  I know that my real friends and my family don't perceive me as "fat" or "skinny".  Only I do.  So guess what, I'm still going to work out.  I'm STILL going to eat less, but I am not going to have a goal.  My goal is to be healthy and happy with myself.    So, this week I have a meeting with a trainer to get to work on the batwings (as I like to call them).  Then we will move on to pilates to work on toning.  The stretch marks will never go totally away.  My skin is so far gone I will never get rid of it all without surgical help, so I have to learn to love what I have been given.  I am me.    We leave for Vegas in 10 days!  I am going to have the time of my life.  Laugh with my friends and visit with some I haven't seen since graduation day!!!  I am going to enjoy the little vacation from my kids and be over the moon excited to see them when I get home.  Then, I will start planning for my next tattoo on the 14th of March.  This one will be the big one that gets the ball rolling.  It is my collection, my tributes to myself.  I will never stop getting the tattoos or collecting the art.  Luckily, I have an artist who knows me and what I have in mind for my ultimate dream collection.  Things are moving FULL speed ahead in this little life of mine, but I wouldn't have it any other way...  Don't you worry about me, because I will be fine.  I just might need a little slap in the face once in a while :)

The Secrets to My Success

A lot of people have a recipe for success.  Mine is pretty much a recipe for disaster, but I get through it.  Yep, I have lost weight.  A lot of weight.  However, as wonderful as it looks it has not been all wonderful.  It's not all fun and games.  As much as I would love for this to be the best part of my life, I have learned a hard lesson in the past 6 months and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
The best and worst parts of social media is all of the people who are watching your life.  Every single minute.  True, you control what you put out there for everyone to see.  True, most people make their lives seem to be so totally awesome on Facebook.  I am guilty, I post mostly the good things.  I get on the train of touchy subjects, and I ride farther than I should.  It seems you start living your social media life.  Not your real life.  All of your conversations begin with, "did you see what so and so posted today".  I know more about people now than I ever have before.  It is like a drug for me.  I used to STRIVE on gossip!  I have more "friends" than I can ever remember in my life!  When I go through to clean people out, I find that I really DO know these people and talk to most of them!  So, with that said.  Everything you post brings attention... everything.  Then you post something that everyone likes and you get excited!  So far, this attention has been wonderful.  I have never dreamed I would hear some of the compliments I have gotten.  I have connected with so many old friends, I feel like I never left home in Wood River.  After our reunion in September I cried.  I cried all the way home, Wood River to Scottsbluff.  I know, how stupid.  High School was over 15 years ago now!  I missed them all the minute I left.  I missed how we could hug each other, cry with each other, laugh with each other, dance with each other like we never left.  Like we were family.  This is where I get in trouble.  I like the attention, I like the people in my life.  Well, not everyone feels that way.  I am a flirt by nature.  OOPS my bad... It just so happens that now that I have lost weight when I flirt people take it seriously.  DOUBLE OOPS!  So, it will take some work on my part I guess.  I have to learn to live my life for me and my family, no matter what it may seem like to someone else.  When I work out I am working out for myself and no one else.  Not to look good for the people at the bar who can't have me.  Not to show off to the people on the machine next to me when I keep up with them.  I have to stop doing it for everything else and just do it for myself.  I need to eat less for myself, exercise for myself and get myself straight before I move on to anything else.  The past few weeks have put my life into perspective and I realized that my success lately has been my failure.  My MAJOR failure.  It's turning around, things are getting better... life has it's obstacles and we have to figure out how to face them.  One thing I have learned.  Never be afraid.  Never be afraid to ask for help, to talk to someone about your problems.  If you need the help, there will always be someone there to talk!  In three short weeks we will be headed to Vegas.  God help those people because I will be taking it all in and enjoying my little honeymoon that we never had!  Next blog will be less confusing and happy...  I promise!