Tonight I'm blogging about probably the toughest topic of my entire life. Mental health and mental health awareness. It has taken me a few years to talk about this, but now that time has passed and I have had many talks about this I know it's the right time to share in hopes that it will help others. Many people go through this in their life and have no one to help them. I hope that if you ever need someone, you know that you can turn to me and I promise I'll have a listening ear.
A few years ago I blogged about a teen in our town who committed suicide over a bullying incident and how I had hoped with my entire being that if my own children ever needed me they would come to me. I have always tried to be there as a mother to them. I give them advice, I provide them with the best of every opportunity and give them as much as I can to grow in education, athleticism and extra curricular activities so that they can be every bit of the shining stars that they have in their little tiny hearts to be.
My son is so amazingly talented, smart and polite. He is the most respectful man I have ever met. Recently, he met a friend of mine and I watched in awe as he stood up, shook his hand and complimented him and also asked him how certain members of his family were doing in regards to their health. That was my son!! My son has grown and I've never been so proud. Above all that I taught him in growing up was to always be respectful and seeing that has stuck with him through growing into an adult put me into instant pride and tears.
I didn't think I would ever see my son reach this milestone in his life. A few years ago my son was a victim of bullying. He was targeted at school, followed and even blamed for some major events that happened in our community. Once the news came out that my son was blamed for these events, several people came forward as my friends and spoke for my son and his good character and helped to identify who was to blame for the events that occurred. My son was cleared of any wrongdoings several times, however the accusations and pre-conceived convictions were still there and no apologies came from anywhere.
We were all teenagers once, sure we were blamed for stuff because kids didn't want to get in trouble now and then. In today's society it's a brand new game. People blame kids for other kids killing themselves, they make up stories about assault and sexual assault because they don't want to get in trouble with their parents. Our children have to go through interviews with school counselors, police officers, be stared at and looked at in the hallways and sometimes have police escorts through the school because kids will be verbally or physically threatening them throughout the school day! Eventually when the kids who start these problems meet with an officer, they realize that they can be in big trouble for starting all of this and say, "yeah it was just a lie.." or "My mom told me I should tell someone, but it really didn't happen." Our kids are terrified to be in school. Our kids are scared to be outside or to be in public or to even to go work!
As an example, my son was blamed and there were 'Snapchat' videos sent school wide of threats against his life. He had to hide in an office all day until one of us could come get him to keep him safe. Why does this happen?? How do we protect our kids? Remember the line from above about me hoping if my children ever needed me that they would come to me? Well, he didn't. He was scared I would make too big of an issue of it and he wanted to handle it himself.
One day while I was working, I received a message that my son was receiving a psychological evaluation and that I should come to the Emergency Room. It was the fastest drive of my life. During the ride I found out that my son had tried to take his life. He was done, he had enough of the constant pressure and the never ending stares and laughs and remarks at school. He wanted to die. So he took whatever pills he could find that might help him sleep. Thankfully he woke back up.
My son felt like a disappointment. Not only did he feel out of place at school, but he felt like he was a disappointment at home. He didn't have the ability to feel good about himself and he didn't know where to turn to ask for help. I had failed my son. I had failed as a mother.
My son needed help and I didn't see it. I was absolutely too blind to see his hurt, his pain and his suffering. As his mother I was so worried about making sure he was going to school and that the teachers and staff were doing their job to make sure that the kids were leaving him alone that I wasn't even paying attention to my son.
If you have ever experienced being admitted to the hospital for psychological care or having someone you are close to admitted for that reason you will be all too familiar with what I am about to explain right now. Once I got to the hospital to see my son I broke. I cried. He cried. There was no way to say sorry or ask what happened or if he was ok, I just looked at him. I was able to sit with him for a few hours and then we walked with him upstairs. At this point we filled out a bunch of paperwork and he emptied all of his pockets, all of his personal belongings went into an envelope. No shoes, no necklaces, no phone, no sweatshirt with strings, nothing to write with or draw with, nothing. He was being put in a room alone like he was being locked in a jail cell. We were forced to say goodbye and could not see him until the next evening and only for one hour. I left my son alone without being able to talk to me at all, without being able to help him or being able to hug him or hold him or tell him it was ok. Watching his hurt as we left still breaks me. His life was black and dark and I never saw it coming. We were lucky, he was still here.
After a few days of observation and counseling my son was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. The road after his diagnosis was long, We sought advice from psychologists, counselors, family therapists, friends and other parents who had gone through the same situations. There were several medications tried and failed. One thing that we kept consistent was the presence of counselors, mentors and me making myself available at any time for him. During his recovery process I didn't work a lot, I moved from job to job and sometimes resigned from jobs all together. Keeping ourselves together was a task and it was a lot of heartbreak. I worked so hard to continue to try to make our lives normal. My son played baseball, he tried to be involved in all of the things that he loved like the musical and football; but everything just crashed down on all of us like an avalanche. None of us knew how to handle any of this and it destroyed all of us. Eventually we had to learn to start over.
Dealing with a mental illness is something that people do every single day. Knowing how to handle it is the toughest part. People suffer with severe depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder and many other mental disorders that make situations and scenarios seem more than what they really are. Something always seems different or out of the normal. Everything is overanalyzed, but it's not their fault. Our brains are firing off more than we can control and learning to deal with that is more than flipping a switch. We say sorry all the time, we feel like we annoy everyone and we don't want to bother anyone with our problems. Instead, we smile all the time and act like everything is ok until it all breaks down and we can't handle it anymore.
The reason I decided to write this blog is because there are so many parents, friends and families who go through this every single day. I was inspired by the words of a song that I heard a few weeks ago. I listened to it on repeat for a few hours and cried... many tears. I, too have suffered severe depression and anxiety. These words really resonated to me and I hope that if you or anyone you know needs help or someone to talk to you know that there is ALWAYS someone in your life that wants you to hold on. You are worth something to someone.
