Falling back into that puddle... and pulling myself out.

So, everyone has read about my journeys in life.  My "struggles" if you will.  One of the biggest leaps and accomplishments I have made was overcoming my weight issues and deciding to have bariatric weight loss surgery and implant a lap band in my body around my stomach.  A while back I blogged, about how hard it was to eat what everyone else ate, and how I was at such a low weight that people were worried about me.  My doctors were so proud and called me one of their most successful patients.  I was over the moon...  until the day, I started having the issues...

In October of 2014 I started having some pretty hard back pains and a lot of night time coughing.  I didn't quite understand what was going on.  I just figured I was eating really late and not keeping to the right diet.  I slowed down on my coffee and acid intake.  I didn't drink alcohol after 8 and then some weird things started happening.  I would get up in the morning, eat my normal english muffin with peanut butter and of course the soda I could never go without and then something small for lunch.  Dinner was always my biggest meal, even though I had always read it should be the other way around, this was just what worked for me.  I would eat a little spaghetti, or a piece of chicken and I could not keep anything down.  One night, it got awful.  During dinner, again I couldn't keep anything down and I went in like I had been each night and everything came back up.  This time, it wasn't just dinner... it was lunch too.  What the heck was going on?  I called the on call doctor right away and questioned whether I should be in the ER.  He told me to go on liquids only and be in the office in the morning.  They let all of the fluid out of my band and did a ton of tests and x-rays on me, and thankfully it was swollen but not slipped or broken.  It needed to "rest" for a while and then we could fill it again.  What I didn't realize was, this meant starting over.  The worst part about starting over for me was, each appointment was paid for in full by me.  Our insurance companies no longer see what the necessity of this surgery is.  The best part?  I could eat food....

That weekend I went to Deadwood and boy did I celebrate my new found freedom.  I drank beer, I ate cheeseburgers, pizza, french fries... I ate it ALL.  Who cares, I thought?  I have the band... I can lose it again in like a month.  Boy, did I have a lesson to learn.  When I went for my appointment to get my fill, I thought ok... get me back up to my 8 cc's of fluid and I'm ready to take off that 15 pounds of fun I gained.  WRONG.  They gave me 2 cc's.  I could only get 2 every time I got a fill.  Now, you can judge all you want, but eating is an addiction... it's like a drug to some people.  If you haven't been able to have it for a while and then you get it back, it's unreal.  I gained 5 lbs a week.  All of the sudden I was at 165 lbs.  I gained 40 lbs.  40 POUNDS.  That is almost the equivalent to the weight of Kherington.  I could not keep up.  $75 for each appointment was killing me, buying all new clothes that fit was insane... what was happening??!  My back started aching even more from the sudden weight gain, my self-esteem was gone.  How... how?

A year later I had still only gained the 40 pounds and I'm still in school.  I'm finally able to afford to get filled to about a 7 but I'm having gastritis issues because of all of the medication for my back, so then we have to let the lap band out again for a scope to be done on my stomach.  I begged the nurse to fill it up immediately.  She agreed on the condition that I would go up to the office immediately after my scope, drugged up or not.  Oh, how painful that was.  I felt like someone was standing on my chest or stabbing me.  I did it, I put up with it.  I made the sacrifice because I didn't want to gain the weight.

I continued to get my fills and am now filled to an 8.5 or a 9, but still gained weight.  How was this even happening?  I would only eat breakfast, no lunch or lunch and no dinner...  which for my old routine was how I did things.  What was I doing different?  I went to see a Dr. and found out that a medication I was on for these back problems caused rapid weight gain.  NICE.  So, 2 years later, I have gained 65 pounds.  65 POUNDS.  I am now off the medication and am taking a different approach.

Over the next 5 days we are taking the steps to "retrain" my lapband.  It's been done by several patients and I've researched it.  The first thing to do is a 5 day pouch test.  To basically get yourself feeling like a "newbie" again.  This is where I will need the help.  Leon has committed and so have the kids.  Tomorrow will be tough.  Days 1 & 2 are liquid proteins.  Low carb protein shakes, broth, clear and cream soups, puddings and jellos...  Day 3 is soft proteins.  Canned Fish, Canned Chicken, Eggs, Soft Fresh Fish.  Day 4 is Firm Protein.  Ground Meat, Shellfish, Scallops.  Day 5 is Solid Protein.  White Meat Poultry, Turkey, Steak.  I have to drink 48 oz of water a day (I drink almost zero water lately).  I can only eat for 15 minutes at a time... this has always been a rule, and I always forget to follow it.  4-6 ounce portion sizes.  Starting over.  Of course I can eat more than this.  Do I need to?  No.  Eat until satisfied, not until overly full.


So, that's the story.  That's where I'm pulling myself out.  I need help, I'll need support.  I need you all cheering in my corner.  I miss my small self.  I sure miss my skinny jeans, my skinny boots and those teeny shirts I wore.  I kept it all.  I'm never getting rid of it because it's GOING to fit again.  Soon.

Thanks for listening to me, and for caring.  I know you do.  Thanks for pulling me out of that puddle.

I leaped over those puddles... and I did it.

So I’ve been trying to figure out how to write this without sounding like a braggart.  There probably isn’t a way around it, so I’m just going to do it anyway.  I finally graduated on Saturday with my Associate of Arts in Information Technology.  What am I going to do with it?  I don’t really know yet.  I’m just going to look at it for a while I think.  My body and mind are still in some sort of shock I think.  Did I really just graduate?  I just did that and passed all of those classes?  I got a “B” in College Algebra?  Who does that??  High Five “Me”!  I didn’t even get B’s in Math in High School. 

When I first set out on this journey I was scared as hell.  I had no idea what I was doing.  There I sat at my desk with all of these huge books, flipping through them like oh my God what did I even do.  I must be crazy.  The week that I started, the very first day was the day that we left for Kherington’s first trip to Shriner’s Hospital in Minneapolis, MN.  Neat.  I’m already emailing all of my professors telling them that I am going to have late assignments on the first day!  Awesome.  I can tell these A’s will be gone for sure.  I took all of my Information Technology classes and Social Science classes first because I knew they would be the easiest for me to get back into the groove of school.  When we got home I was already behind, but I caught up.  I had decided to keep doing the Farmer’s Markets that semester with my friend Bev since my sister had moved and that was just plain stupid.  Harsh to admit, but it was awful.  That fall I was juggling Leon working 2 jobs, me going to school full-time, Kherington in Pre-School for the first time, Lawrence in sports and youth groups, and baking and selling for Cloud 9.  I never saw the kids, I never saw Leon, I never saw my friends or my family.  It was a waste of life.  I made the President’s List!  A 4.0!  I have never been more proud.  What did this all cost me…

Christmas came and went.   I breathed for a minute.  I celebrated with every friend that I could and baked a little.  Next semester was coming up quick and I found out that my grades were getting me some recognition.  Soon I was going to be inducted into the Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society.  Whoa, what is this?  So, at this point it didn’t matter.  I needed to get those good grades.  I was getting scholarships and recognition.  I knew that I had to get those good grades.  We all fought, I screamed if I couldn’t have time to study.  I still had to juggle the sports, the youth group, Leon working at night, the cupcakes, working myself.  All of that crap and it was unreal.  Kherington was having some horrific behavior issues, I was dealing with it daily with daycare and school.  Trying to juggle the work and problems at school was just too much. I took 15 hours that semester.  Because I liked to punish myself I guess.  More Information Technology Classes, I couldn’t get enough of them.  I picked up another Social Science class because my instructor was the best I had ever had.  Even though the workload was heavy, he told me I was one of his favorite and most studious students.  I passed each class with flying colors.  I have gone to him several times for advice and even told him if I had a choice of someone to hand me that hard earned diploma it would have been him.  Again, I pulled out the 4.0.  I made the President’s List Again!  In the end…  did it matter? 

The next semester I had to take that dreaded math class.  I couldn’t test into College Algebra, the only required Algebra course for my degree so I took Intermediate.  Leon started out working and I was taking the class online along with the running of the kids to all of their events.  This time we added in the band concerts, the programs, the fundraisers, the games.  I never had time to study.  The only time I even got started on studying was after 9:00 when the kids were finally in bed and I could open a book.  Imagine how easy it was to stay awake and study something as interesting as a Science lecture or a Math lecture after 9:00 at night.  I was bound to fail.  Leon had to quit his job, there was no way out.  I had to drop out of all of the Winter Farmer’s Markets for that semester, I felt horrible.  I knew that my customers were looking forward to me being there but I just couldn’t do it.  I spent all day every Saturday and Sunday studying.  When my parents would come to visit I got to see them for an hour maybe for lunch and I was even asking them questions about my homework while we visited.  My life was never not about school. 

During this semester I also took on another duty of being an officer for Phi Theta Kappa.  Now, it wasn’t much.  We had our meetings during our lunch hours and I was only taking notes.  It was the remembering to type up the notes and send them to all of the members that got to be hard to do.  It seems minimal, but dang it when you are home for 2 hours a day before going to bed some nights that gets hard to remember.  Math was awful, I took it as an online course and failed everything.  My tests were just a complete waste of my time.  I didn’t pass a single one of them.  I never understood anything, and trying to find time to go to the Math Lab was completely out.  By the time that the final came I was scared to death.  It took me two tries but I passed that thing with 3 points to spare.  In another class I fell so behind because I had worked so hard on my math and trying to spend what little time I had with my kids that I had to complete the entire class in two weeks.  I did it though.  I WAS Wonder Woman that semester.  I passed that semester making it still on the Dean’s List!  Did it even matter...

Finally, my last semester.  Math again, but I wasn’t so worried this time.  I had a good teacher.  I was taking it IN class so I knew I could get it this time.  I was going to have a fantastic final semester.  Things were going great, friends were ready to help me kick it in gear, I had rumors of my sister coming back home for good, the cupcake business was booming, my classes were going to be fun and I was going to Washington D.C. for a National Conference with Phi Theta Kappa!  I earned this by getting good grades in college and becoming an officer with the society.  I was so excited. 

Then… bad things started happening and they didn’t stop.  There was no end!  I had an extreme Anxiety Attack and ended up in the ER.  I had no idea what it was, it hadn’t happened before.  They couldn’t diagnose it, so one thing led to another and I ended up going to seventeen million doctor appointments all semester to find out why I was there.  Tami got sick, we didn’t know right away but she thought the worst and I was in denial forever.  Until the benefit I finally accepted that Tami would be leaving us.  A few weeks after the benefit, my Uncle John passed away.  I hustled down to his funeral and back; still making sure that my customers were not disappointed for our big debut at Girl’s Day Out.  A couple of weeks later Tami passed away.  My heart was broken.  My school had taken away from all of my time with Tami, Kendall, Mariah and Cutler.  Even though I had really just gotten close to Tami within the past couple of years she was my biggest cheerleader.  Now who was going to yell at me “bitch, you better get that paper done before you come down here for a drink”.  Or when I walked in to The Union, “Did you get that done?  You better have or I’m gonna kick your ass.”  She was on top of my stuff.  Everything fell apart.  I didn’t do any homework for a week at least.  I just couldn’t stare at my computer, it didn’t happen. 

For years I’ve dealt with back issues, but they’ve come to be extremely painful this semester, of course.  So I was referred for an MRI and a cyst was found on my spine that is inoperable.  We’re currently experimenting with different treatments and I’m dealing with this pain.  Which is awesome when I’m leaning over a laptop.  After the MRI we left for Washington D.C.!  Ahh I was so excited to go back.  It had been 20 years since I had been there.  So many things had changed.  It was still beautiful, but cold…  that sucked.  I learned so many things during my forums at the conference.  Listening to Katty Kay was breathtaking.  What a wonderful experience.  BUT, guess what.  No homework was done that week either.  So…  now I’m about 3 weeks behind on homework. 

In the end, I got caught up.  I did two classes of homework for almost half a semester of each in the last two weeks of the semester.  I studied for my Math Final.  I loaded up for my other finals and just crash studied.  In the end I failed my math final.  BUT, it was ok with me.  I ended up with a B in the class. I was good with it.  I didn’t even bother with the retake. I was way too busy.  I had a graduation reception to put on and hadn’t even cooked one morsel of food.  Getting a B was satisfying enough for me.  I prayed that I had done enough in the other classes to pass and put the books away.  In that last week I also won the award for the Business and Community Education Student of the Year.  I was floored.  Katie and I had both won this award and earned it by working hard and taking our education to start our business.  By keeping the business going, I pushed through and earned recognition for my efforts.  I was extremely proud.

In the other two days I cleaned my entire house that really hadn’t been cleaned the way “I” clean it for two years.  I cooked batches upon batches of potato salad, pasta salad, and cupcakes.  I shopped for decorations, I made display decorations, I gathered my awards and recognitions, and I even found two of my old senior pictures from 1996.   By Saturday of Graduation I thought I might harm someone or myself.  The Friday before, even though I was on vacation, my employer was helping to sponsor an event in town and I was fielding calls and texts to make sure that all of our bases were covered and that night we went to the event to try to relax a little.  Saturday was just a blur.  I barely remember anything besides getting my hair done and driving to the school. 

So, that was my school adventure.  If you ran into me in the past two years and I was grouchy or tired, yep that’s probably why.  Two kids, one who’s disabled and a husband who was working two jobs and then working full-time and running a business yourself is tough.  When you add school in there, you kind of want to just smack someone once in a while.   I still tried to make time for my friends and family but it didn’t happen all of the time.  I think there were some weekends where I wore the same clothes for a full 48 hours.  I’m sorry to everyone that I lost along the way, but I won’t ever forget my time at WNCC.  I’m proud to be a Cougar, and damn proud of that 3.74.  I’ll keep sharing those pics of me in that cap and gown.  I didn’t get the 4.0, but I did graduate with Honors and that was the goal all along.  I passed math people… that counts for something!  J   Who knows where things will go, for now I'm in an amazing job with some great friends.  Life is a book, and the rest is still unwritten.

Like the loss of sunlight on a cloudy afternoon... gone too soon.

She's gone.  We all knew it was coming.  There was no denying that she would leave us, but definitely she was gone too soon.

I will never forget the time that I first came to know Tami, the summer of the Cattleman's Ball.  We had been acquaintances, but I had never really got to "know" Tami.  The first night of the ball, we were wiped out, we were beat.  We decided to stay and enjoy the music of 5 to Life.  We danced, we laughed, we had serious moments where we talked about our kids.. we took funny pictures.  She let me know how proud of me she was with the cupcake business that Katie and I had built.  What an amazing person she was and a great friend.

A couple of weeks later it was our birthday. We ran into each other at The Union.  We hit it off again.  It wasn’t a fluke.  We actually got along.  It became apparent to me that somebody was trying to make us see that we were meant to be friends, something… some force out there was pushing us together.  It came to be routine.  If something was going on, I looked to her to see if they were doing something.  We wanted to be a part of what Tami and Kendall were doing.  I started to be interested in Mariah and Cutler.  When Mariah graduated I was so proud to say, “hey I know that girl!”  When she was hired on at Scottsbluff I cried right along with Tami.  Their family started to be part of my family, and I will always be thankful for that.  I will always be proud of them. 

She took a genuine interest in my kids, my job, my school and my life.  There are few friends who ask me about Kherington, but Kherington was always number one on Tami's list.  I hope that Tami knows now that one day Kherington will be running, and not stumbling or struggling and hugging her again with that big smile.  Tami, you will always, always have a special place in Kherington's heart.  She took my daughter under her wing when she didn’t know me from Adam.  Again, out there showing her support for my family as a true friend really would.

School started up for me in the fall, and there she was pushing me to be everything that I could be.  She knew first hand what it was like to want to get those good grades.  Her kids were doing it and she knew I could do it.  She knew how hard it was for me to say no to the nights out and to stay in and do studies, but she didn’t even ask.  She would never pressure me because she understood.  Graduation is two months away, and I can’t believe it.  You’ve been with me all the way.  “Don’t Stop Believing”, right?  That’s our theme song.   I’ll never hear that song without thinking of the four of us screaming that song out loud, and I know that you will be watching over me proud, doing what is right for me and for my family.  Thank you for always having faith in me and knowing and believing that I could do it.

I will always remember you Tami, your smile, your laugh.  Your truths and your ever living trust in me.  These things give me the strength to go on when I just want to give up.  When I do open that cupcake store, rest assured there will be a plaque on the wall with your picture on it to remind me of your faith in our business.  You believed in us, and in me as a person.  You knew I could do it far before I could, and now I know I can too.

I love you, very much.  It’s hard to say goodbye so I’m not going to do that…  I’m going to say thank you.  Thank you and don’t forget about me.  I know you won’t, but be watching for me because when I get there we are going to have so much to talk about…  Gone too soon.

New Year, New Me?

Well, it’s been a whirlwind year.  A good year and a bad year combined but a WONDERFUL year all in all.  2016 is coming up here in a couple of days and I am well aware of things that aren’t as they should be in my life.  Will I make changes? Sure.  Does that mean resolutions?  Maybe.  I used to be one of those people that set goals every year.  January 1^st meant that I would start fresh at the gym or start that new diet.  We would start a new budget at the house or a new cleaning routine, but we would never stick to them.  A couple of years ago we started saving to end up at Disneyland for Christmas, that lasted about two months until an unexpected bill hit the household.  We had a goal to do a certain amount of laundry every night and fold it right away… I won’t bore you with the details of how that situation currently stands. 

For me I just can’t follow the trend, my New Year won’t be about me.  It needs to be about US.  It will be about how we will succeed.  I don’t need to weigh so much, or eat healthier.  We don’t need to clean on certain days of the week or save a certain amount each payday.  It just doesn’t work.  For us the New Year, New Me will turn into New Year, New WE. 

We will communicate better as a family and learn to love each other for what we are and what we have no matter what the circumstances are.  If Dad is working late or Lawrence has practice of some sort, we accept the circumstance for what it is and move on.  Mom has lessons to do… we move on and take it in stride.  No fighting life, it’s a common occurrence that doesn’t just happen in our household and we’ll learn to not complain or “suffer” through it.  We’ll make it a better situation.  We are a strong family and we have gone through many, many tough stages.  This is not that hard, we can do it and we will be stronger for it.

Family.  Family time is a must.  We used to do it, where did it go?  We purchased several board games for each other at Christmas this year and we are getting back into this routine.  We love to play games and so do the kids.  Who says you have to go places and spend a million dollars?  A simple hour of Hungry Hungry Hippos will put out memories that could never be replaced by $60 at the local movie theater.  The cable bill is going to go down and the board game collection is going to go up!

Friends.  We can’t let our friends go.  My school took over this past semester and I forgot about my friends.  I think we got together with friends about three times in the past six months.  It wasn’t healthy for me or for Leon.  We need one night, even if once a month, just to see someone.  We need to visit with people and not forget those friendships.  Friends are like family and a select few of my girlfriends are like sisters to me.  For those of you I have forgotten or lost touch with, I am sorry.  I promise to try harder. 

Just try harder…  that will be our motto for 2016.  We will try harder as a family.  We will get along.  Say sorry.  Not yell or scream or fight, it doesn’t have to be that way.  We’ll try harder to be thankful and to give more and take less.  We can’t take things for granted like our family, friends or our jobs.  These things won’t be around forever and when they are gone… we will never realize what we may have lost.  So, no New Year, New Me for me, we’re going to try a new approach…  New Year, New We.  On to 2016.  Happy New Year everyone!  

When you wish upon a star....

Friends and family it has been quite a while.  We have had an extremely busy and amazing summer.  When I started this blog I tried to make it a goal to blog once a month, but that has proven to be quite a task, especially when I started down this road of continuing my education.  Katie and I started the cupcake business a little over 5 years ago and that has taken off like wildfire in the past year.  Life just sometimes gets in the way of things and all too often, it gets in the way of what is really important in your life… family.

So the reason I took a minute to write tonight was because we have something so amazing to share with all of you.  Something that is still so unbelievable that we are kind of in the “pinch me” phase.  

Let me start by refreshing some of my friends on the story of Miss K.  Now, if you are new to my blog you may not know this but she has a mild case of cerebral palsy.  She does have some other problems related to cerebral palsy that deal with her hips and her hip socket rotation.  Miss K (Kherington) takes trips annually to Shriner’s each year to be evaluated and has some shoe inserts to help her walk a little better but she doesn’t walk perfectly.  Each year she goes back and eventually she may require some pretty invasive surgery on those hips; we don’t dwell on that topic because we leave it to the doctors.  The first year we found out it was hard to hear and devastating, but it is a way of life and we live it.  My sister Rebecca also has cerebral palsy and hers is much more severe than Kherington.  I have dealt with disability my entire life in my family, but it is much different seeing it through the eyes of a parent. 

Earlier this summer, a wonderful family friend of ours messaged me with some questions about Miss K and then asked if we had ever applied for a Make-A-Wish.  Of course I replied with a no.  We were always under the impression that the Make-A-Wish Foundation only helped those with terminal illnesses so we knew that Kherington would be an instant denial.  After much persuasion from this family friend, we accepted the paperwork and read through it.  I filled out what I could and set up an appointment with our family doctor to get his opinion.  I certainly did not want to “fake out” any organization as wonderful as the Make-A-Wish Foundation and I wanted to see what he thought of this whole thing…  what was his take on this?  To my surprise, he was informed and excited.  He was all for Kherington getting a wish and thought she was a perfect candidate according to the guidelines listed out in the paperwork and her condition as far as his medical opinion.  My mouth dropped.  Are you kidding me?  Ok… I finally submitted the paperwork.  I guess we’ll see what they say. 

We had been busy through the summer and then I got an email from the Make-A-Wish sponsor right before school started.  They wanted to visit with Kherington.  Oh boy, what is this little girl gonna say I thought…  she is an iPod addict.  I can only imagine what she will tell them.  So the two representatives came over, and they asked Kherington so many questions.  What her favorite foods were, what her favorite color was, her favorite toys, and her favorite baseball team…  and yep she said The Rockies!  Wooohoo we did something right!  Then, the big questions came.  If she could go anywhere in the world, where would she go.  When we asked her that earlier in the summer she said, “to see the princesses in the big castle”.  Her response to the team was Disney World.  Oh man… she didn’t even hesitate.  Ok, next question.  If she could meet anyone she wanted to meet, who would it be?  “Michael Jackson”.  She didn’t even skip a beat.  So… explain that one out to a 5 year old.  Haha.  We all got a good kick out of that one.  After her interview, we had the grown up talk.  The “pinch me” part.  We were told that Kherington was being granted a wish and we were being sent to Orlando.  We would get to go as a family for 5 days.  Fly to Florida, Disney for 3 days, and Universal Studios for a day and Sea World for a day.  Is this even real?  I feel like we won the lottery, we don’t deserve this.  I wanted to cry.  I did cry.  I still cry. 

A couple of weeks ago we found out when we get to go on the trip.  We will be leaving in the middle of November and get back just before Thanksgiving.  A little bit of sunshine in the middle of winter will be a nice break for the kids.  It will be a time that our family can just take a break, a break and not be running here or there or everywhere.  We’re not hurrying to drive to this place or that.  All because of a friend and a wish.  I feel like we really did wish upon a star.  Our kids have brought so many moments of joy into our lives; we never really take a minute to thank our kids for that.  The memories that we will have as a family from this will be irreplaceable. We will never, ever be able to thank the Make-A-Wish foundation enough for this opportunity.  I know that Kherington and Lawrence will remember it for their entire life and the smiles will take a long time to go away.

It looks like you get to see your princess at the big castle Miss K.  That's what happens when you wish on that star...

Thank you… we will forever feel blessed.   

Life is what you make of it...

This afternoon I took the kids to see the movie "Inside Out".  Now if you don't want any movie spoilers, stop reading because I'll give you a few.  I was crying 5 minutes into the movie.  The basis of the movie is the emotions and memories of a child.  Now, it doesn't seem like a kid's movie but holy whoa my kids TOTALLY got it.  PLUS this mom totally bawled her eyes out.

The movie separates out all of a child's emotions.  Joy, sadness, fear, disgust and anger.  Combined these make up the child's life, the decisions they make and the memories they keep to shape the type of person they are as they grow up and become an adult.  WOW, deep right?  They showed the little girl at the beginning having memories of being a goofball walking around with underwear on her head, and memories of disgust because she didn't want broccoli for supper and then anger when she learned she wouldn't get dessert if she didn't eat her supper.  Memories of joy when she played sports and memories of her past friendships as she grew up...  now you see why I was bawling throughout the movie?

Memories have always been important to me.  My memories of growing up have stayed with me, I live them out and remember them a lot.  Some of them weren't happy, but the ones that were good were some of the best times of my life.  I can remember things way back to when I was four or five years old and that is the complete truth.  We lived on the farm back then.  Sure, this wasn't our family's happy ending but we did have some happy memories there.  That is what makes up our lives though, and that's what this movie was about!  All of the combined emotions and memories that make up our lives and shape us into the person that we are today.  I truly believe that we file some of those bad memories away, and forget about them because we just don't want to remember.  I don't remember a lot about living in Salt Lake City.  I didn't like it there.  I missed living in Nebraska.  I felt very much the same as the little girl in the movie did, alone and sad.  I went to 7 --  SEVEN -- different schools growing up.  It was tough.  People wonder why I am insecure with friendships sometimes...  well, it was tough to make new friends all of the time.  Most of my time was spent at Wood River and I think that is why I will always call Wood River my home.  I feel you all accepted me the most there...  my happy memories were there...

So now we move on to parenthood.  As a parent, we all want the best for our kids right?  This is SOOO going to make me start crying again.  I try every single day to make the best memories for my kids, either we make supper together or go swimming or watch a funny TV show.  Something.  Every once in a while we do that special something that they will always remember.  They'll never ever forget that.  Last year when Leon bought me the Todd Helton Retirement Game tickets for Valentine's Day I had no idea what an impact it would make to take Lawrence to that game.  I was crying as they retired his number and revealed it on the side of the stadium.  I looked at him and said, "Lawrence, when you grow up and we bring your kids here, you'll be able to tell your kids that you were here the day that Todd Helton's number was retired.  You'll be able to tell them all about how you used to come and watch him play on this very field."  These memories.  These memories are the ones that I strive for with my kids.  They didn't have to cost a lot.  If you go to a baseball game at Coors Field the right way, you can take in a cooler with food and water and buy cheap seats.  You can drive up and back in a day and have a pretty inexpensive memory.

 This is what we do.  We're a family, we make memories.  I hope and pray that one day they will be blessed to have the friendships that I had growing up at Wood River.  Joy and Happiness weren't always there, of course I had sadness and anger.  What teenager doesn't right?  What matters most is that the good outweighed the bad and that ALL of that combined shaped me to be the person that I am today.  To raise my kids with the good morals and ethics that I learned from my parents and from my church family and community there.  We were all a family.  We all contribute to each other's lives.  If you haven't seen this movie yet, it was a GREAT family movie.  My kids learned so much from it.  I learned from it, you definitely should make it a point to see it.  You'll see life from a whole different point of view...

Where does your book begin?

I've been listening to a song a lot lately, over and over and over again trying to work up the nerve to get up in front of the Open Mic Night crowd.  I'm working on two songs that both have meaning in words, but this one just really has brought up a lot with the things our little family of four has been dealing with the past month or so.

As much as many of you would like me to divulge all of those details to you, this must be something that is ours.  Something that we are keeping to ourselves and giving our struggling family time to deal with and heal.  One of the biggest lines in the song that SO relates to ALL of us in our family right now was, "We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way."  How many of us expect perfection?  We expect it out of our kids daily.  In sports, in school.  I hear it all summer long on the ball fields.  Don't let that ball get past you, you have to swing at those, you should have caught that!  We're conditioning them to not make mistakes.  The same rings true for my Miss K.  I try my hardest to make her not different from the rest, but she IS.  I cannot help that, she cannot help that.  We have to take the time to recognize it and help her.  Her transitions are different than others, she's smart as ever but emotionally different than any other child.  SHE will get through life as long as we do not condition her to not make mistakes.

I feel like I fell under this microscope myself this past year.  I conditioned myself to not mistakes.  I could NOT fail in school.  I expected so much of myself.  I refused to hand in a quiz that was not an A+.  I would take it 10 times until it was perfect.  I worked on papers for 14 hours at a time to ensure the most possible points that I could get.  I wanted the best score.  There was no room for mistakes.  I certainly don't blame my parents for this.  I blame myself and my work history.  The past two and a half years of work were miserable.  I couldn't even take too long to go to the bathroom without making a mistake.  I couldn't push the hold button right on the phone.  It was miserable, a blood curdling inhumane place to work.

So, we move on.  Life is our canvas.  Life is our BOOK!  Here's another line..."I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned."  So I've been moping around here like a puppy.  Times have been tough.  We got hit hard with some unexpected crap, I had some spats with some friends, my parents moved away and it hurt.  All of it hurt.  You just have to get up, wipe off the dust and move on.  Talk it out, fight it out, work it out the best way you know how and write a new chapter.  It's your book.  YOU are writing it.  No one else can do it for you, you can't wait around for someone else to fix your problems.  Today after about 4 hours back and forth chatting with a friend, and being mad at the world again for someone else's problems the song came on in the car.  I was reminded that it's my blank page.  OUR blank page.

I have one semester of school left.  I've already been called and approached for opportunities that are amazing.  I've got dreams that are sky high.  Can I achieve them?  You bet I can.  Especially when I have my husband who listens to me cry when I have no one else who will listen.  He lets me yell at him when it's never his fault.  I laugh at him when he falls down the stairs or trips over the water meter in the front yard lighting off a firework and he doesn't get mad or smack me around.  He loves me and supports me and my dreams.  That is a lot, that is more than most women in this world have. My kids they tell me that I can do it.  They dream about moving out in the country and having a fence where the dogs can run, and a driveway where we can play basketball after school and a big yard for a trampoline.  They wonder if we will move to California and live by the beach, they're ready to start their stories too.  My friends.  Some I consider brothers or sisters they are so close.  Some I have hurt in the past.  They let me bash them and still listened to what I had to say because they love me and knew that deep down my hurt was more than what showed on the cover.  The words to the song stung harder than ever tonight,  "I break tradition, sometimes my tries are outside the lines."  They support me like I've never stopped supporting them.  We're all writing our own books, some are moving on and away, new stories and chapters.  New places for us to visit!  Vacations will never be the same.

So, has anyone figured out the song yet?  Since I've recited most of it, I hope that I work up the guts soon enough to do it.  Our little family will be writing a lot of chapters to our book this month.  Please think of us as we go through the trial and error in helping Kherington with her troubles.  At the end of the month we will also make the trip again to Shriner's to hopefully get some answers from the doctors.  We have a long list of questions and will be looking for their guidance.  Until then, we work hard to remember..  "Today is where your book begins... the rest is still unwritten."