Uh-Oh Spaghetti O

So again, it has been a while. Lots of things have been happening in the past month. First things first, Kherington had her MRI and her initial results are that the MRI is completely clear. There are no visible signs of damage according to the pediatric neurologists. The scans are being sent to Denver to have them double checked by the Neurologists at Children’s but we are confident that they will agree. Things have improved for her. She has started walking all over and talking more and more. It is almost like a switch was turned off and all of the sudden it turned on and she took off. We are currently teaching her to say “uh oh spaghetti o” she is so stinking cute when she tries to say it. If you didn’t know what she was trying to say you wouldn’t know what she was saying but oh it’s so funny. The tears still appear when I happen to look at her and think about what could have been or could still be, but they come less often and May 18^th will not come fast enough. 

Lawrence finished his run with the musical. That little munchkin was so into his part. He really surprised me with how seriously he took the role. I think we will be in for it later with his good acting skills! He had so much fun and I was so proud of that dang kid. The last night of the musical was his cast party. He partied like a rock star out there on the dance floor with all of those high school kids. Again, I think I will be in for it later...

During the same week as the musical, Leon got an unexpected phone call from his Dad, Art. He was in the hospital and had been having some heart troubles. For those of you who do not know much about him, he is retired and travels all over the US in his camper. He happened to be in Oklahoma when he started having troubles. After a couple of days in the hospital they decided to put a catheter in his heart. There was some blockage and things just aren’t so hot. Later that week Leon’s brother Dirk headed down to Oklahoma to help get him started on the trek to Scottsbluff. Leon flew out a couple of days later and met him there. Together they drove Art back to Scottsbluff and made sure that his camper was all set up here where he could have a regular doctor and someone close by in case there were any other troubles. His recovery is going slowly. It’s hard to see him without the usual bright face and know that he knows he is not as healthy as he was. It will be a long road for him but we got him in with our WONDERFUL doctor Dr. Papenfus and he is in good hands. 

This very same week I learned that some news I had heard regarding my Uncle Freddie was a little (well A LOT) more severe than I had thought. This is a very difficult subject for me. He was diagnosed with Lymphoma and after testing they have come to find it has spread to many parts of his body. I am distraught. I do not know all of the details or how to explain them but it is just a horrible horrible thing. Stupid CANCER! Freddie is more than my Uncle he is like my big brother. We are only 5 years apart so we basically grew up together. He taught me karate in the barn, took me for dirt bike rides in the pasture, we would go on secret paths down by the creek and explore. Although it seems selfish, I just don’t know how I could get past it if he were to leave us. I am continuing to think positively, but it is very hard. I am having a hard time coming to terms and haven’t even been able to call him yet because I just don’t think I can carry on the conversation without breaking down because I think of how much I would miss him. He is supposed to be there to smile and laugh. His laugh is like no other. If you know him, that laugh, it is nothing to be mistaken for anyone else. Freddie I love you so very much and I will keep praying for you every single damn day. Ugh! 

Ok enough with the tears for this blog post, on to brighter skies. Today is my son’s NINTH Birthday! Nine years old already. Holy crap. That little twerp. Who would ever imagine I could raise such smart and beautiful kids. Not to brag, but I think I’m doing a pretty dang good job at that J My sister also turns the big 29 today. Oh Katie, you’ve only begun to see getting older my dear. Just beg for that vampire to come save you before you turn 30 and you will be just fine! 

Sorry to throw so much at everyone at once! As always, your prayers are appreciated for EVERY one of my friends and family members who are having troubles. Life can be a tough bitch. I’m learning that as I go, but if you slap her hard enough she will back off! 

When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by...

Ok, so even though it looks like the skies in my life are bright and sunny, really they aren’t. I have the uncanny ability to only share what I want people to see. It makes me “look” better to everyone else. However life, as we all know, isn’t all a bed of roses! The past few months of our life has been crazy to say the very least. Our latest hurdle involves my beautiful princess. Since around Thanksgiving we had come to the disheartening conclusion that Kherington was having issues. At that time she was 18 months old and still not walking. I did not feel it was an issue because she had always been a little behind. She didn’t crawl until just after her 1^st Birthday and so I just passed it off as a little delay. Well, after conversations with her daycare we decided maybe we better ask our doctor what he thought. God Bless our doctor, he said she was just being stubborn but if we wanted to help her out we could start some physical therapy in January. During those two months it seemed as though her walking did not get better and it actually regressed. So, in January we started her in Physical Therapy. Her first session was just focused on her walking. They decided that her ankles rolled in a little so we ordered some inserts for her shoes. I felt so sorry for her. You could tell that they would hurt her by the end of the day, the poor baby was even rubbing her own feet when we would take her shoes off L We kept it up though, because we knew that it was important for her to have the support and we would just have to be tough. Her second session of therapy was focused on her motor skills. Picking things up, coloring with a crayon, all of the basics. She passed that with no problems. The therapists decided that she was ok as far as those skills went but that she should continue with the walking to see how she progressed. 

Near the middle of February we were not seeing a lot of improvement. This caused concern not only with us, but again with the daycare. They were genuinely concerned, even though it is not fun to hear we needed to hear it. So, back to the doctor we went. This time the doctor showed some concern. He truly thought she would pick it up but after some initial testing it was determined that she was developmentally delayed. Of course this started throwing all sorts of red flags our way. My sister, Becky, is handicapped. She was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy and Epilepsy at an early age. Even though Cerebral Palsy is not a genetic disorder, I couldn’t help myself from wondering if that was what was going on. At first I was ok with it. I was ready to handle anything. I am a Mom and I am tough I would tell myself. Kherington will get through it and if she doesn’t walk then I’m familiar with it. I’ll deal with it and anything God throws my way. Then the clouds started settling in. Why would this happen? My little girl will never be able to have a normal life. She will not get to go to prom with a date if she can’t dance. How will she walk down the aisle. Dramatic, yes I know... but hey that’s me.

So, with our doctor’s help we have scheduled a neurological exam for Kherington with Children’s Memorial Hospital in Denver on Monday, March 12^th. They will do some testing, see if everything is functioning ok and tell us where to go from there. I am prepared to hear the worst but praying with everything I have for the best. Unfortunately I do not handle a lot of stress too well. I have been taking a lot of time for myself and going out to try to be care free. It doesn’t work, but it helps. It’s definitely not the solution, but I have to figure out on my own how to start handling it now. If the road is bleak, I will need to start preparing to travel it no matter what the cost.

Now, with that all said, we’ll get to the title of this particular blog. Ironically I had previously scheduled to finally get my Marilyn Monroe portrait tattoo on March 14^th. If you do not already know she is my inspiration. She struggled through so much and ultimately lost her battle but I still respect her entirely. Since my tattoo on my back has the music for the first few bars of the song “Smile”included (“Smile, though your heart is aching...”) I have decided to add a little more than just my Marilyn tattoo. I am adding the words, “When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by”. These will be an everyday reminder for me to know that God will throw these things my way but I will get through. WE will get through. Life may look like rainbows and sunshine but once in a while there are clouds in that sky, and yes, I will get by.

The song is amazing, if you don't know it you can listen simply by clicking on ... Smile :)

Skinny is NOT Starving

Who even defines "skinny" anyway?  I found this on Urban Dictionary tonight.  It almost made me pee my pants I laughed so hard. 

Skinny-

Something a lot of girls want to be, also known as perfection. No matter how thin some girls get, they will never be happy with their weight.   So ok, I have learned this the hard way the last couple of days.  I am not "skinny" according to my standards.  Thus, I decide I am going to take things into my own hands.  Control the situation.  It is all mental right?  Wrong.  Wrong, wrong, wrong!  In a period of 48 hours I consumed about 1200 calories, burned almost 400 working out and only took in about 32 ounces of fluid.  Yep that was fun when I was getting on the scale losing 2 pounds a day!  Holy awesomeness!  However, it was not fun to practically black out at my desk at work, have my boss so worried about me that he literally buys me water and tells me to drink it now, and make a trip to the Dr to get blood tests and figure out what is going on.  I looked freaking amazing too let me tell you.  Eyes all sunken in, HUGE bags under my eyes, dazed and confused.  Literally.  Yep, it was awesome.  All I could see was the number on the scale going down.  That was ALL that mattered.  Well, guess what I hit my goal for Vegas and then some but I paid a huge price.  It should not matter.  IT SHOULD NOT MATTER!  It doesn't matter how "skinny" or "fat" I am.  My health should be what matters, not people's perception of me.  I know that my real friends and my family don't perceive me as "fat" or "skinny".  Only I do.  So guess what, I'm still going to work out.  I'm STILL going to eat less, but I am not going to have a goal.  My goal is to be healthy and happy with myself.    So, this week I have a meeting with a trainer to get to work on the batwings (as I like to call them).  Then we will move on to pilates to work on toning.  The stretch marks will never go totally away.  My skin is so far gone I will never get rid of it all without surgical help, so I have to learn to love what I have been given.  I am me.    We leave for Vegas in 10 days!  I am going to have the time of my life.  Laugh with my friends and visit with some I haven't seen since graduation day!!!  I am going to enjoy the little vacation from my kids and be over the moon excited to see them when I get home.  Then, I will start planning for my next tattoo on the 14th of March.  This one will be the big one that gets the ball rolling.  It is my collection, my tributes to myself.  I will never stop getting the tattoos or collecting the art.  Luckily, I have an artist who knows me and what I have in mind for my ultimate dream collection.  Things are moving FULL speed ahead in this little life of mine, but I wouldn't have it any other way...  Don't you worry about me, because I will be fine.  I just might need a little slap in the face once in a while :)

The Secrets to My Success

A lot of people have a recipe for success.  Mine is pretty much a recipe for disaster, but I get through it.  Yep, I have lost weight.  A lot of weight.  However, as wonderful as it looks it has not been all wonderful.  It's not all fun and games.  As much as I would love for this to be the best part of my life, I have learned a hard lesson in the past 6 months and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
The best and worst parts of social media is all of the people who are watching your life.  Every single minute.  True, you control what you put out there for everyone to see.  True, most people make their lives seem to be so totally awesome on Facebook.  I am guilty, I post mostly the good things.  I get on the train of touchy subjects, and I ride farther than I should.  It seems you start living your social media life.  Not your real life.  All of your conversations begin with, "did you see what so and so posted today".  I know more about people now than I ever have before.  It is like a drug for me.  I used to STRIVE on gossip!  I have more "friends" than I can ever remember in my life!  When I go through to clean people out, I find that I really DO know these people and talk to most of them!  So, with that said.  Everything you post brings attention... everything.  Then you post something that everyone likes and you get excited!  So far, this attention has been wonderful.  I have never dreamed I would hear some of the compliments I have gotten.  I have connected with so many old friends, I feel like I never left home in Wood River.  After our reunion in September I cried.  I cried all the way home, Wood River to Scottsbluff.  I know, how stupid.  High School was over 15 years ago now!  I missed them all the minute I left.  I missed how we could hug each other, cry with each other, laugh with each other, dance with each other like we never left.  Like we were family.  This is where I get in trouble.  I like the attention, I like the people in my life.  Well, not everyone feels that way.  I am a flirt by nature.  OOPS my bad... It just so happens that now that I have lost weight when I flirt people take it seriously.  DOUBLE OOPS!  So, it will take some work on my part I guess.  I have to learn to live my life for me and my family, no matter what it may seem like to someone else.  When I work out I am working out for myself and no one else.  Not to look good for the people at the bar who can't have me.  Not to show off to the people on the machine next to me when I keep up with them.  I have to stop doing it for everything else and just do it for myself.  I need to eat less for myself, exercise for myself and get myself straight before I move on to anything else.  The past few weeks have put my life into perspective and I realized that my success lately has been my failure.  My MAJOR failure.  It's turning around, things are getting better... life has it's obstacles and we have to figure out how to face them.  One thing I have learned.  Never be afraid.  Never be afraid to ask for help, to talk to someone about your problems.  If you need the help, there will always be someone there to talk!  In three short weeks we will be headed to Vegas.  God help those people because I will be taking it all in and enjoying my little honeymoon that we never had!  Next blog will be less confusing and happy...  I promise!

In Tears at Old Navy!

Ok, yep I'll be the first to admit.  I'm a little emotional.  *stop laughing!*  Today was a day to remember.  I took my Mom to Ft. Collins for her final checkup for bicep surgery today and while we were there we finished some Christmas Shopping.  Leon's Dad had sent some money for the kids and he asks that we use some of it for useful gifts like clothing.  So, we marched into Old Navy with the main goal of crusing the kids' clearance and finding the most clothes for them that we could with the money. 
I was on a mission, scouring the clearance racks and RAKING it in.  Some of my most awesome finds of the day were Husker shirts for both of the kids on clearance!  As you can imagine, Husker apparel is not too popular in Colorado.  Anyhow, I decided that Leon and I should get a couple of things too.  My jeans were getting a little baggy and Leon really needed a pair so I looked for some jeans for both of us and before we checked out I tried mine on.  I knew they probably wouldn't fit.  I have never been able to buy jeans from Old Navy before because either my gut and back fat hang so far over the edges that they look ridiculous or I can't even get them up over my ham hocks.  The pants I had on were 16's so I figured I better grab some 14's especially since Old Navy had always run small for me before.  I grabbed 2 pair.  Some regulars and some longs.  I figured I was probably really short and fat now so I better try the regulars on first to not be disappointed.  What the hell...  ?!?!  They're TOO BIG!!!  WHAT!?  I walked out the fitting room doors, looked at my mother and said, what size do these say?  She said 14...  I said um, I think I need to go down a size what do you think?  She said yes. those are definitely too big. 
Ok, first off, how often is it that you go buy new clothes and when you try them on they are too BIG?  I don't know about any of you but that never happens to me, ever.  So, Mom came back with a pair of 12's.  I put them on, slid right in, didn't fight or suck it in or hold my breath.  Holy crap.  I started tearing up.  My Mom looked at me and said well God you don't have to cry about it!  I honestly don't think I have ever in my life bought a size 12.  So, I didn't care how much they were, I bought them.  It didn't even matter.  I was in a 12 and I wasn't letting those puppies out of my hands. 
Next stop, Dress Barn.  Mom likes to shop there and I swore we could go since I spent so long in Old Navy.  Well, guess what.  They had clearance racks too.  Crap.  So I grabbed some 12's and tried them on.  What the heck...  they were almost too big too!!!!!   I could have gone down a size but they had none left on clearance that size so I went with the 12's and figured if I was feeling "FAT" that day I would be extra comfy.  Then I found the dresses.  Got an AMAZING dress for Shae's wedding in February :)  *size 12 by the way!*  I was really excited about that! 
So, my words of the day are SIZE 12.  I know, I'm bragging but you know what.  I deserve it.  It's my turn.  I need the whistles again.  Now, if I can get rid of these batwings I'll be good!  HA HA! 
Thanks to all of my friends and family for your support lately, I would be nowhere without you!

Have I told you lately, that I love you?

Where does time go?  Oh I know...  friends, family, pets, school, church all those little things.  Do you know where yours goes?  Today I am writing because so much is happening in our little community and one in particular is tearing at my heartstrings tonight.  A little 8 year old girl was kidnapped in a tiny little town just about 10 miles west of here.  For those in Central Nebraska, it's a little Wood River to Grand Island type of town.  Why?  Why!  Why does this happen? :(  Every day as I am rushing to work, getting my daughter dressed and cared for and screaming at my son to hurry up and get dressed I forget.  I forget that this may be the last time we ever have together.  It may be the last time he says, "I love you Mom" as he gets out of the car and goes across the street to school.  My paranoid self always watches him to walk all the way into the school and after the news of our kidnapping today it will ALWAYS happen.  I don't care if I am 2 hours late for work.  It will happen.  I don't ever want to risk losing my son in any way.  I don't ever want to hear him say "I love you Mom" for the last time.  These are my kids :(  My life would be absolutely nothing without them.  So much goes wrong so quickly you never know what could happen.  So tonight, I am challenging you.  The next time your kid is getting crabby about getting ready for school, or whiny because they don't want to be at daycare or in the carseat.  Remember to ALWAYS tell them you love them.  Always, no matter how bad it is or how mad you are.  You may not get another chance.  Life is an open book, and you don't always know what the final chapter will entail.  Love them, hug them, kiss them, and yes...  discipline them once in a while but don't make it your life.  If you were to pass away in your sleep tonight what would be the last thing your children will remember about you before they go to bed.  Keep that in mind as you hurry through your morning routine or your nightly routine.  Just like the old marriage advice says, "don't go to bed mad" Well practice this on your kids and I promise, your heart will feel better.  Mine does.  On the days I do forget, it saddens me quite a bit.  Today was one of those days.  Thank God that my son came home safely to me tonight.  I wish I could say about every child out there.  Love your kids and they will love you always...

It could be worse...

It could be worse...

This one has been stirring in my brain.  Twelve days ago our home was burglarized.  I was devastated, depressed, I felt invaded and I couldn’t even imagine WHY someone would be so mean.  Violent thoughts entered into my mind.  Unfortunately I have seen the person who did it so the visual of his face never leaves my head.  I picture myself catching him in the act and slamming a baseball bat into his face or pointing a gun at his forehead.  REALLY?!  Crazy Cari, calm down!  Anger Management is not my specialty as you can tell if you know me AT ALL.  I have this vulnerable part of me who is always willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt.  I even blamed the burglary on myself thinking I left the door open but then I found the broken window...  That set me off.  I knew it was him instantly.  I could only see RED.  All over a TV, a couple of game systems and some cameras.  The most hurtful part was that we worked hard to save the money for those things.  We don’t buy on credit and we EARNED those things.  We didn’t buy them for some criminal to come take whatever he pleased.  I didn’t have a camera to take any pictures of my sister’s one and only 30^th birthday party.  My son will turn 8 this weekend, no camera.  My daughter is starting to learn to crawl, no camera.  Her 1^st Birthday is in a month.  NO CAMERA!  I keep telling myself, it could have been worse...

Last night as I was catching up on my DVR episodes of “The Celebrity Apprentice” I was viciously thrown back to reality.  Leave it to a reality show to do that to you, right?  I was watching last week’s episode.  They were auctioning off artwork that they made to raise money for their charities.  The amount of unselfishness and compassion by those people just hit me like a ton of bricks.  John Rich’s team was raising money for St. Jude’s.  He had a little boy on who had been fighting cancer his whole life and had some sort of device around his neck to even help him talk and breathe.  Can you even imagine?  Can you imagine what it would be like to be his mother?  The anxiety and thoughts that are constantly going through her mind have to be so extreme.  I know what would be going through my head.  “WHY?  Why me, why my son?  What did I do wrong, what else can I do for him?  Is he in pain?  Does he know?  Why are those people staring at him and why are they feeling sorry for him?  He is just like you and me.  He’s just sick!”  My children are my entire world.  They are the reason I get out of bed every day.  When I get off work I can’t wait to pick up my daughter at daycare and see the smile that comes across her face just from seeing ME.  ME!  I can’t even say how different our life would be if my child had cancer or some other disease because I do not know.  We have dealt with my sister being disabled for her whole life but it has become part of our life and we do not know anything different.  It is something she has had her whole life.  How do people do it?  How do they wake up the day after their daughter’s 10^th Birthday and she all of the sudden doesn’t feel good.  After a few doctor visits she is diagnosed with Leukemia.  How does that happen!  How do you just not give up?  People are AMAZING, that’s how.  The workers at St. Jude’s and every other Children’s Hospital in the world have to be the most unselfish people on the planet.  Heaven’s gates are already open for them whenever they are ready.  I’m sure there’s not even a pre-approval process for them J 

So, after that amazing episode I started thinking.  It could be worse.  We always complain that we are broke.  Well guess what, we might not have a lot of money to spare but we have A LOT to show for it.  We drive nice cars, we own a beautiful home.  I am able to get my hair and nails done and my son usually has the newest video game on the market.  We don’t eat like kings, but at least we have food!  We have cable TV, internet, computers, all of it.  So what am I complaining about?!?  It could be worse.  We could be without jobs.  We could be standing in line at the food bank.  We could be moving from house to house, renting and getting kicked out for not paying because we have no job.  For that matter we could be homeless!  Our children could have an incurable disease or disability and we could have no medical insurance.  We could have no family or friends that cared about us.  It really could be a lot worse.  So when I complain about not being able to go to that concert, or missing a night out at the bar with my friends just smack me.  Really?  It could be worse.  I don’t think I’ll be able to stop complaining about money.  Gas Prices, grocery prices, daycare prices.  I don’t think I would be a normal human being if I didn’t always want a little more money in my pocket.  HA. 

As far as the burglary goes, yes I am still UNBELIEVABLY angry about it and I want justice.  I plan to go to court and watch his testimony.  I want him to know I am there watching him and I want him to see that he did not scare me off.  I will not sit back quietly, he will pay for everything he stole from me in one way or another.  Every time I see something missing I just think of the extra license plate he will have to make while he’s in prison.  LOL!  However, I am thankful that we were not home.  We have all of our animals and family members safe.  Material things can be replaced but I could never replace any of my family or animals.  Never.  It will be a long road to travel until I feel safe again in my own home but I will get there.  It might take a 4 Wheel Drive, but I’ll get there.  I really have to thank my friends and family for all of your support lately.  I have the best friends and family on the PLANET!  I just have to remember, it could be worse...