What a blessing and a curse it is to feel everything so deeply. As I get older I feel like my emotions are getting younger. When I am happy, I am overjoyed sometimes to the point that I cry happy tears. When I am sad, it hurts. The sad, deep in the bottom of your tummy stinging feeling that hits every few heartbeats. You think about words, the look someone has on their face, the situation, the place, the signals that you missed. Hurt creates fear in all of us, yet we repeatedly feel hurt. Our families, friends or even co-workers can hurt us; we just dust ourselves off and get back on that horse and try again. If we gave up how would we ever get what we wanted in life?
We force ourselves to have hope. We think to ourselves, "It's ok, it wasn't meant to be. I'll get the next job. It wasn't the right place for me to work. That guy just wasn't on the same path as me, or God has a plan for me.. it'll all work out." Will it? How many times do we try before we quit? So many times throughout my life I have lived by the saying that you can't go back and change the past, but you can start where you are and change the ending. How are we supposed to decide what our ending is if every time we think we have it right we get knocked back down. If you take the wrong job or date the wrong person, ... what if. What did you miss out on?
Each corner you turn in life means something, I truly believe that. I so wish I knew why we had to go through the hurt that came along with it sometimes. I've never wanted for a lot in my life, sure I like my nice clothes and shoes and all of that stuff... I'd be really happy to just be happy. Imagine being loved the way you love. That would surely be something to hope for. To fear. We all deserve the same effort we give. Some call that expectation and when we expect things from others, we always end up disappointed. I call that something to look forward to. A fairytale, or daydream maybe? Something like that I suppose.
The life I want is on the other side, I just haven't worked hard enough or earned it back yet. Your goals and dreams come gradually and working for them is how you learn to appreciate them more. Learning the work that needs to be put in is the hard part. Everything in life is a step on the staircase to where we want to go. We just need to keep our eyes ahead of us and not look back, we aren't going that way... and we all know how much it hurts to fall down a set of stairs you have just climbed up. (not to mention funny to watch)
A lot of emotion has been coming out of me when I have been listening to music lately. Yesterday I just put my earbuds in, put my hoodie over my head and curled up next to the window of the airplane. I listened to music and streamed a few necessary tears. A couple of songs have been on repeat for me and sometimes I just break down in tears. I find myself thinking, gosh that would be amazing to have someone feel like that about me to express their words in that way... or that guy has it so right, we can't break up cause you're the only one who knows all that stuff about me. SERIOUSLY... if you've ever read my past blogs... Music is about the lyrics. These people don't just come up with the words out of nowhere. Music is what feelings sound like.
One of the songs on repeat for me lately has been "The Painter" by Cody Johnson. He is such an amazing artist. He did not write the song, but the way he sings it, you feel like he wrote every word and sings every note for his wife. The emotion in his music, it hits home for so many; it's no surprise his shows are sold out. I hope to see him sometime soon.
These first few lyrics, I just feel this... I feel like I strive to be this. I hope someday someone will see me this way again.
She talks about the future like she's flippin' through a magazine
Finds the beauty in the thrown away and broken things
Gets excited about all my crazy dreams
Got every sunset that she's ever seen memorized
Saves in a way for a rainy day or stormy night
The sky's brighter lookin at it through her eyes
I don't remember
Life before she came into the picture
Brought the beauty I was missin' with her
Showed me colors I ain't never seen
She took chances
With every wall I built, she saw a canvas
I thank God every day for how He made her
My life was black and white, but she's the painter
Whether we feel the rain drops or the sunshine, never forgive for feeling them deeply.
All of the times I've been blogging lately, I've been chasing topics and situations but never really taking the time to just write the words of me. This blog has been sitting, partially written for almost a year. Mostly because I'm messy, that's just the plain and short of it. When I started writing this blog I was watching American Idol and a contestant sang a song called "She Used to Be Mine" by Sara Bareilles. Not only did she have an amazing voice, but that voice really pulled me to listen to the words to the song. The first two lines of the song pulled me in to listen. "It's not simple to say, most days I don't recognize me." Wow. That was a realization in itself. Have you ever been to the point in your life that you don't recognize yourself? I have, and I was and at times I still am. The song goes on with the lyrics, "It's not easy to know, I'm not anything like I used to be." That really hit me, it hit pretty hard. I sit down and think every single day about how much my life has changed. My life has changed so much in the last week, the last month, the last year and further on down the line. A couple of months ago I didn't recognize myself. I was depressed, broken, sad and lost.
After a horrible sudden end to a relationship with a man I loved very deeply and pictured spending the rest of my life with, I turned to alcohol for comfort. I thought my life was over, I didn't understand what was so wrong with me or what I did wrong or why no one loved me. Why was it so difficult to find someone who loved me with the same effort that I loved them. I was drinking in the mornings, at night, on the weekends and ultimately every time I couldn't handle something I drank so that I could handle the day better. I used alcohol as a crutch to get me through the times when I would have been talking to him every day and when it was the weekend I drowned my sorrow with a bottle and cried. The problems began to pile up. I was missing work because I didn't feel good, I was having extreme pain and didn't know where it was coming from and I just plain couldn't get out of bed in the morning so I was late three to four days a week. I was making rash decisions and spending money like water. I was driving recklessly and got in an accident completely destroying my Jeep. All of this I did to MYSELF. Where did I go? What had I done? I remember the days that I was scared to even drive my parent's car without a learner's permit because I didn't want to get in trouble and I got out of the car at the stop sign and made my mom drive! More song lyrics resonate loudly...
She's imperfect but she tries She is good but she lies She is hard on herself She is broken and won't ask for help She is messy but she's kind She is lonely most of the time She is all of this mixed up And baked in a beautiful pie She is gone but she used to be mine.
I had to change before I hurt myself or someone else. I was already hurting myself emotionally. My family was hurting and I had broken some relationships and trust with people that I really hope that I can fix in the future. Most of all I wasn't there for my children.
Something had to change and that change had to start with me. The first thing I did was to commit to quit drinking. I know people are looking at my social media and rolling their eyes, or getting a good laugh out of it... some people joke about me "finding Jesus" which is pretty harsh, but I found and accepted Jesus as my Savior when I was a little girl. My faith has never changed or waivered, it's just been more fun to go to church on Sunday with my family since I haven't been hungover. When I was younger my sisters and I went to a Christian School and I sang in the church choir when I was in High School. A friend of mine and I even did a little "church tour" and went around to different churches singing "Tears in Heaven" on Sundays for the congregation. I was baptized and confirmed in Christ and an active member of the youth group. Our youth group went on big trips! We went on a camping trip and camped near Valentine and canoed down the Niobrara River. We drove to Minneapolis and went to a Minnesota Twins Game and to the Mall of America back in the 90's!! Our church family was wonderful and we had a lot of fun while we learned the Word of God. My children have also been raised in a Christian home and my Grandmother was a Pastor as well. Next time you see me, I'd love to have a discussion about Martin Luther or even challenge you to name the 66 books of the bible ;) Of all things in my life, my Bible and God do come first because ultimately He does give us the blessings we have. My children are in my life because of Him and I will never forget to thank Him daily for it.
One of the things I feared the most was talking to a counselor. I didn't understand how someone else would "fix" me if I couldn't even fix myself. Quitting drinking was easy. I still don't really have the desire to drink, I mean sure... I would be lying if I said I wouldn't mind celebrating with my friends on a night out or doing a shot for someone's birthday or this or that. At this point in my recovery, I can't do that because my emotions are so unstable that if I feel down and out I wouldn't be able to drink ONE with you. I would drink 5 or 6 or 7... I hope to one day be able to control that, but for now the answer is no. I did start counseling and received a diagnosis that I choose to keep to myself for now, but it has given me a lot of answers to the questions I've had in my head for some time. I've been receiving medical treatment for this diagnosis and weekly recovery counseling from an amazing counselor. I'm pretty sure I've cried every week, but each week has gotten easier. I don't know where my life would be if I hadn't sought out the help of a counselor. She listens, she gives advice from an outside party and she's honest. A couple of weeks ago I received my 30 day Sobriety Chip and already next week I will by 60 days sober. I can't believe it's been 60 days, but I feel amazing. My smile is back and I have energy. It is wonderful to feel alive again! I am getting stronger and stronger every day.
WE ARE NOT YESTERDAY. WE ARE RIGHT NOW.
It doesn't happen overnight, but if you work at it each day you get stronger. Pretty soon a day goes by and you realize you haven't cried today. I installed an app on my phone called how long since. The app lets me put a bunch of different events in my phone... How long since I've texted so and so? How long since I have had a drink? How long since I have cried about missing him? How long since I have missed work? How long since I had a fight with my son? If you track these things it makes you realize what is changing about your life and how you can use the positivity in your life to bring out more good things! YOU are always in charge of yourself and your thoughts. Thoughts are like a drop of water, if you have one bad thought and another and another, pretty soon they are going to collect and they will be a puddle, then a pool, then a lake and then an ocean. All of the sudden you are drowning in those negative thoughts. One after another they will just smother you. What if you filled your life with positive thoughts? What if you woke up every morning and thought, "Today is going to be a great day!"? Since I quit drinking I have tried my hardest to post one positive thought every morning. I have kind of called it my "Morning Coffee Motivation". It includes a picture of me smiling with a different coffee cup every morning and a motivational get up and get your ass moving saying to kind of just put a smile on someone's face. Sure, some people probably think it's annoying... but to me, if I start my day on a positive note I most of the time have a good day. If the sun doesn't shine, you have to shine for it.
In the end, none of us are perfect and God knows I definitely am not. I just want to be better than I was yesterday. Every day is a chance to start again and as long as I live my life to do better and feel better and see better than I believe that my life will BE better. If you change your thinking, you change your experiences!
To those who have stuck by me through these ferocious years and months of my horrible friendship and being a family member of mine. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, I apologize and one day I will get to tell you in person that I love you for being there for me still. Thank you for helping me find my smile again.
Stay tuned for tomorrow's Morning Coffee Motivation!
Tonight I'm blogging about probably the toughest topic of my entire life. Mental health and mental health awareness. It has taken me a few years to talk about this, but now that time has passed and I have had many talks about this I know it's the right time to share in hopes that it will help others. Many people go through this in their life and have no one to help them. I hope that if you ever need someone, you know that you can turn to me and I promise I'll have a listening ear.
A few years ago I blogged about a teen in our town who committed suicide over a bullying incident and how I had hoped with my entire being that if my own children ever needed me they would come to me. I have always tried to be there as a mother to them. I give them advice, I provide them with the best of every opportunity and give them as much as I can to grow in education, athleticism and extra curricular activities so that they can be every bit of the shining stars that they have in their little tiny hearts to be.
My son is so amazingly talented, smart and polite. He is the most respectful man I have ever met. Recently, he met a friend of mine and I watched in awe as he stood up, shook his hand and complimented him and also asked him how certain members of his family were doing in regards to their health. That was my son!! My son has grown and I've never been so proud. Above all that I taught him in growing up was to always be respectful and seeing that has stuck with him through growing into an adult put me into instant pride and tears.
I didn't think I would ever see my son reach this milestone in his life. A few years ago my son was a victim of bullying. He was targeted at school, followed and even blamed for some major events that happened in our community. Once the news came out that my son was blamed for these events, several people came forward as my friends and spoke for my son and his good character and helped to identify who was to blame for the events that occurred. My son was cleared of any wrongdoings several times, however the accusations and pre-conceived convictions were still there and no apologies came from anywhere.
We were all teenagers once, sure we were blamed for stuff because kids didn't want to get in trouble now and then. In today's society it's a brand new game. People blame kids for other kids killing themselves, they make up stories about assault and sexual assault because they don't want to get in trouble with their parents. Our children have to go through interviews with school counselors, police officers, be stared at and looked at in the hallways and sometimes have police escorts through the school because kids will be verbally or physically threatening them throughout the school day! Eventually when the kids who start these problems meet with an officer, they realize that they can be in big trouble for starting all of this and say, "yeah it was just a lie.." or "My mom told me I should tell someone, but it really didn't happen." Our kids are terrified to be in school. Our kids are scared to be outside or to be in public or to even to go work!
As an example, my son was blamed and there were 'Snapchat' videos sent school wide of threats against his life. He had to hide in an office all day until one of us could come get him to keep him safe. Why does this happen?? How do we protect our kids? Remember the line from above about me hoping if my children ever needed me that they would come to me? Well, he didn't. He was scared I would make too big of an issue of it and he wanted to handle it himself.
One day while I was working, I received a message that my son was receiving a psychological evaluation and that I should come to the Emergency Room. It was the fastest drive of my life. During the ride I found out that my son had tried to take his life. He was done, he had enough of the constant pressure and the never ending stares and laughs and remarks at school. He wanted to die. So he took whatever pills he could find that might help him sleep. Thankfully he woke back up.
My son felt like a disappointment. Not only did he feel out of place at school, but he felt like he was a disappointment at home. He didn't have the ability to feel good about himself and he didn't know where to turn to ask for help. I had failed my son. I had failed as a mother.
My son needed help and I didn't see it. I was absolutely too blind to see his hurt, his pain and his suffering. As his mother I was so worried about making sure he was going to school and that the teachers and staff were doing their job to make sure that the kids were leaving him alone that I wasn't even paying attention to my son.
If you have ever experienced being admitted to the hospital for psychological care or having someone you are close to admitted for that reason you will be all too familiar with what I am about to explain right now. Once I got to the hospital to see my son I broke. I cried. He cried. There was no way to say sorry or ask what happened or if he was ok, I just looked at him. I was able to sit with him for a few hours and then we walked with him upstairs. At this point we filled out a bunch of paperwork and he emptied all of his pockets, all of his personal belongings went into an envelope. No shoes, no necklaces, no phone, no sweatshirt with strings, nothing to write with or draw with, nothing. He was being put in a room alone like he was being locked in a jail cell. We were forced to say goodbye and could not see him until the next evening and only for one hour. I left my son alone without being able to talk to me at all, without being able to help him or being able to hug him or hold him or tell him it was ok. Watching his hurt as we left still breaks me. His life was black and dark and I never saw it coming. We were lucky, he was still here.
After a few days of observation and counseling my son was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. The road after his diagnosis was long, We sought advice from psychologists, counselors, family therapists, friends and other parents who had gone through the same situations. There were several medications tried and failed. One thing that we kept consistent was the presence of counselors, mentors and me making myself available at any time for him. During his recovery process I didn't work a lot, I moved from job to job and sometimes resigned from jobs all together. Keeping ourselves together was a task and it was a lot of heartbreak. I worked so hard to continue to try to make our lives normal. My son played baseball, he tried to be involved in all of the things that he loved like the musical and football; but everything just crashed down on all of us like an avalanche. None of us knew how to handle any of this and it destroyed all of us. Eventually we had to learn to start over.
Dealing with a mental illness is something that people do every single day. Knowing how to handle it is the toughest part. People suffer with severe depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder and many other mental disorders that make situations and scenarios seem more than what they really are. Something always seems different or out of the normal. Everything is overanalyzed, but it's not their fault. Our brains are firing off more than we can control and learning to deal with that is more than flipping a switch. We say sorry all the time, we feel like we annoy everyone and we don't want to bother anyone with our problems. Instead, we smile all the time and act like everything is ok until it all breaks down and we can't handle it anymore.
The reason I decided to write this blog is because there are so many parents, friends and families who go through this every single day. I was inspired by the words of a song that I heard a few weeks ago. I listened to it on repeat for a few hours and cried... many tears. I, too have suffered severe depression and anxiety. These words really resonated to me and I hope that if you or anyone you know needs help or someone to talk to you know that there is ALWAYS someone in your life that wants you to hold on. You are worth something to someone.
When the best of me is
Barely breathin'
When I'm not somebody
I believe in
Hold on to me
When I miss the light the
Night has stolen
When I'm slammin' all the
Doors You've opened
Hold on to me
Hold on to me
Hold on to me when it's too dark to see You
When I am sure I have reached the end
Hold on to me when I forget I need You
When I let go, hold me again
I need you to hold on
Heaven is a place not too far away
We all know I should be the one
To say we all make mistakes
Take my hand and hold on
Tell me everything that you need to say
'Cause I know how it feels to be someone
Feels to be someone who loses their way
And you know you can call me if you need someone
I'll pick up the pieces if you come undone
Painting stars up on your ceiling 'cause you
Wish that you could find some feeling, yeah, you
You know you can call me if you need someone
Hold on to me when it's too dark to see You
When I am sure I have reached the end
Hold on to me when I forget I need You
When I let go, hold me again
I need you to hold on
Don't suffer in silence. Never let go... There is always someone out there that loves you.
When we look up in the sky each day we see clouds, sometimes they are beautiful fluffy clouds passing through a wondrous blue sky and on other days we look up to see dark storm clouds rolling in up above. A normal reaction for most of us seeing a storm rolling in would be to take cover, hide or seek shelter. What scares you the most about the storm? The lightning and thunder, getting wet from the rain or the fear of hail coming down? Before you answer that question, really think to yourself. What scares you the most? Forget about the storm clouds for a second; what scares you the most out of everything in your life every single day? Can you pinpoint your biggest fear?
There is fear in all of us, how you handle the fear and facing it and learning from it is what makes us stronger and helps us grow in life. Some of us spend so much time trying to avoid the things that we are afraid of that it can actually make us physically and mentally ill. Feeling anxious is a normal, but when we are faced with fear the anxiety builds and sometimes it can force us into a depression. Others will live their lives as a safe, boring life never putting forward any risk or excitement. Sometimes we need to feel the rush of facing our fears to know that we are strong enough to overcome these steps in our life.
Asking someone what scares them is so much more universally complex than it sounds. When I ask myself this question, I look back on my life and it changes so often, I don't know what I really fear anymore. Naturally, most of us fear change and every single day our world changes. What will happen at work tomorrow? If we are dating someone or married to someone do we fear leaving them because we don't want to change the situation we are in? Are we just comfortable so we leave it as it is to avoid the change? We naturally resist change. Don't get stuck in a situation or in one place because you are avoiding it. Step out of the box. Fight the fear to change.
Along with change, comes the fear of being alone. No one can relate to this more than myself. There are many moments, regretfully, that I have cried with some beautiful friends over conversation about being afraid of loneliness. As much as we hate to admit it, we can all scream to the mountaintops that we are "loners", "don't need anyone" and that we are "strong and independent"; but the fear of being lonely is real and relevant. People may see my social life all over the place, see me out having "fun" all of the time, rest assured... it keeps me from being lonely. It's important to surround yourself with good friendships, people who make you smile and to keep those social interactions. Life can still be great and you don't have to have someone on your arm to keep you going.
Striking out or feeling rejected is just another fear that falls under all of these categories. Is anyone seeing a theme here? When you first started reading, I bet what came through your mind was... you were scared of snakes or spiders or needles. In fact, when I asked myself that very question I answered with "dying in a fire". In reality, that's just something I'm scared of... not an actual fear. So maybe, my question should have been; "What's your biggest fear?" I could go on and on with fears that we all face every day. The fear of getting hurt, the fear of being judged by others, or being inadequate. Overall tying them all together fear is the real feeling of uncertainty.
From day to day we don't know what will happen. We can only get out there, face our fears and live life the way that we were guided to live it. In one week it will have been an entire year since I actually put my wedding ring away and we actually said the final words that we had been avoiding for such a long time. We let fear hold us both back from moving on or from helping our children grow because we were afraid of change, loneliness, failure, rejection, uncertainty, something bad happening, being judged or getting hurt. When we let fear take over, we all lose. Once we gain strength to face our fears, we all get the strength to live life and smile again. Face the fear in every storm that blows through your life and you will be able to say, "Actually I CAN do it." Breathe.
As usual, words from another beautiful song...
"Tomorrow's another day.. And I'm thirsty anyway, So bring on the rain."
Throughout times in our life as also happens in seasons of a year we will go through a drought or a time of sadness. We can feel sad, depressed or even without emotion. In a drought the grass turns brown and needs watering, needs cared for and attention; much in the same fashion as we feel when we start to feel down.
Every day when we wake up we are given the chance to breathe new life. To live a fresh start. It's normal and ok for everyone to experience times of sorrow, doubt and emotional times when we just don't feel like we are enough. However, don't live there forever. I lived there. I lived there for a long time and it hurt. It still hurts to see those old pictures, the look on my face and the sad in my eyes. Every day wanting to try to start again, but something would trip me up and I would find anything that I could to give myself a reason to not get out of bed. Spending my days sleeping, crying for hours on end with no real reason for it, and feeling that no one cared. In my mind no one cared that I was in bed, no one cared that I was crying. No one cared that my hair wasn't done or that I was gaining weight again or that I hadn't changed clothes for three days....I cared, but I wanted so much for someone to care and in my own mind I had created the vision that no one did.
Before I went through this bad time in my life I was such a happy person. I had completely transformed myself. My career was wonderful, I had an amazing self taught job in technology that made me feel established. My bills were being paid and we were driving nice vehicles and buying a home. Our kids were beautiful visions of sunlight that kept me smiling every day. I had done a physical transformation and lost over 150 lbs, fixed my teeth to make my smile beautiful. My life seemed complete. It was my turn to give back.
During my life I have always been a giver. I give what I can. Time, heart, money... I give a lot. I give chances, phone calls, handwritten letters even a hug or a smile. For one single moment, my heart hardened. I felt like my giving wasn't appreciated and that was a ridiculous mistake. Never in your life should you give to get something in return. I have never given to get something in return and for a moment I forgot that. My life turned upside down. My job went away, I felt empty and unappreciated. I didn't want to give anymore when it seemed I was getting nothing in return. I had worked so hard and for what? Again, the first rule is to give without the expectation of receipt.
It takes one positive person to help someone realize that life can be good. We can make our lives better each and every day if you give yourself the chance to do so. In recent months I have experienced a massive change for the better. It feels so good to be the giver again. Every day when I wouldn't get out of bed I could see the sadness in my kids' eyes. I could feel the anger from others, but as long as I was doing what I wanted to do I didn't really care. Was it what I really wanted to do? No... but I couldn't for the life of me find a reason to get out of the bed and give myself to the daily routine anymore. I had one person who would message me and call me every day asking for my list of five things that I was grateful for that day. Eventually I started making it a point to wake up and ask him what his list was before he asked me. Every day it would get easier. That was his gift to me and I am so grateful to have received it. No matter how much I argued and how much I wished to deny his gift when he first offered it to me, I eventually accepted it and my life is getting better for it each and every day. Just today in discussion I told him he was the best friend I had and I meant it.
Being a giver doesn't mean giving every minute of your time or spending every penny that you earn. It's the little things. Giving the little things get you through every day. The good mornings, the smiles, the hugs. Seeing the smiles in return and hearing the laughs, the gracious thank you coming from their heart. That is what giving is all about.
Still one of the favorite writings I've heard to this day comes from the song "Humble and Kind". There's a final line of the song that says,
Don't take for granted the love this life gives you When you get where you're going don't forget turn back around And help the next one in line Always stay humble and kind...
Some stranger somewhere still remembers you because you were kind to them when no one else was. I fully believe that and always will to this day. Pay it forward and harvest the crops after the rain, because someday those crops will feed the hungry and you will always feel the gratefulness in your heart.
A lot of you are new to my writings, some of you are my regular readers. Thanks for always being on my journeys with me. It's been a very long time since I've had the time to sit down and write. Today I made a point to do it, because my mind needed the release. The past 12 months of my life have been something of a whirlwind; a tornado if you will. The rain had already started many months before that, but the real storms brewed over the summer, fall and winter months. How I survived, I really don't know to be honest with you.
A year ago today my life took quite a turn. I'm a pretty caring person and someone really figured that out and took the best of me, the best of my heart and it's taken most of my soul and happiness. I couldn't quite get the words out for this blog for the last few months until today I was reminded of the song "When you love someone." by Bryan Adams. It probably stung me the hardest out of everything I've heard or anything that's been said to me in the past 4 or 5 months. Two of the biggest lines in the song for me that just hit today were, "You'll deny the truth... believe a lie.. there'll be times that you believe that you can really fly."
I really did believe I could fly, I believed everything, but I don't believe I'm the first person who ever deals with this in their life, but dealing with it for the first time in 22 years, that was a complete new world for me and having it hit as hard as it did; that hurt. It hurt hard. They learned that I was a complete music fanatic, a superfan of their music and thing just went pretty hard and fast from there.
Taking advantage of someone with an open heart and blind eyes to the entire world is a pretty easy task. When we break though, it's a tough break. It's a hard recovery. We don't bounce back after a situation like that . If I can't stop myself from being a victim of this type of thing, how can I help my kids avoid it.
How will I teach my daughter that every man that writes her a song isn't awful? When deep down it will always remind me that the one who wrote music for me did it with a purpose.... to make me fall into the routine of asking me for money. Favors. Help. That not every man out there is truthful to her heart as much as she would like to believe it.
This is another reason that song hit me so hard today... "When you love someone, you'll do anything. You'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain." Never in my life would I have imagined what I was willing to give up for another person. Love is supposed to do that to you right? You're supposed to sacrifice, but to what extent? "When you love someone, you'll sacrifice. Give it everything you've got and you won't think twice. You'd risk it all... no matter what may come. When you love someone."
Moving on from something like that is awful. You continually hurt others, yourself, your kids. It hurts your family and your friends. Getting out of bed is a task. Then, one day they pop up in your memory... or better yet they call you. On your best day. Getting past your past is easier said than done. People say don't catch feelings too quickly, but when you have a gigantic heart, you just love everyone. Some you love a little harder.
Being someone who cares about everyone is a curse and it's hard not to give everyone a chance in life. As I grow older it makes me harder in my heart, it makes the tears fall a little easier. You don't want to believe that people can be so deceitful or hurtful, but they are out there. Ultimately I'll still listen to my heart because that's the path I've always chosen. If I didn't, I wouldn't have my two kids in the first place and God knows I am ever so thankful for them every single day of my life. In the end, I am hurt; but I'm thankful for the lessons I learned in the last year. My inexperienced eyes were surely opened to see that not everyone has a good heart, and not everyone loves like I do. Big hearts are open, but they are also open to heart break. As much as we try to protect ourselves and our kids; it will happen. When it does, open your arms to those who need the embrace. It hurts. More than I remember. "Your lonely nights have just begun... when you love someone."
A few friends have been passing around some posts on Social Media lately in regards to the music they listen to. It has me loving everything about life and what it's supposed to be. A few people have asked for people to share their favorite songs so that they could listen to them, others have said that to truly know them they would have to understand the music they listened to and I felt that so deep in my soul. Music Means Something...
Some people know a song, sing a long and it's familiar. Others feel the music. It means something to them. It connects deeply to some situation in their life either right now or in their past. We relate to music. The words are part of our life and sometimes they say the things we want to say without us actually speaking the words. Music Means Something...
When we really sit down to think about it, music is everywhere in our life. When we first come into the world the hospital plays a little song across the intercom to let everyone know a baby is born. Our parents sing lullabies to us to calm our cries and help us go to sleep. We go through school learning songs like "Mary Had a Little Lamb" and "Three Little Speckled Frogs"... we even learn "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" to show our parents how amazing we are at our Christmas Programs every year. Music Means Something...
Later in life, we study music in High School, we decide if the "cool kids" are in music or not and take that leap of faith. We might learn an instrument and share our voice with others. The High School Musical is a big event every year, our parents brag about us if we are one of the music kids or band kids and of course they believe we are the best one on stage. Music Means Something...
When we graduate High School we have a Class Song. What was your Class Song? Was there a song you dedicated to your parents? I remember the song we dedicated to our parents, I cry every time I hear it. The song just rings true still today. The lyrics are so full of truth when it came to our parents. I still see my parents this way and even as I write I'm starting to tear up. The song was, "Because you Loved Me" by Celine Dion. The part that really hits home are the lyrics..
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
Music Means Something...
Where does music play a part in your life? I talk to people daily about music and I've had people who say that they don't really think about it, but I'm challenging you to really sit and think about music and how you listen to it. How do you sing along to a song? Do you hum a tune as you're sitting in a car? When you're at work or out in the tractor planting and harvesting does a song just come to mind as you're thinking of someone or something you went through this week? Music is what feelings sound like. Read that again.... MUSIC IS WHAT FEELINGS SOUND LIKE. Music makes us feel, it means something. We can express our anger, our happiness, our sad. Where words fail, music speaks.
Use your music to speak, take a break, listen and I promise it will help you through your day. Share the song that's getting you through something right now. Happy, sad or mad. I want to hear what's helping you. Music means something to everyone. Share it, love it and listen to it...
Right now this is the most relatable lyrical song I have had on replay lately. I discovered it a couple of weeks ago and I just can't let it go... it embraces so many things about life and how I relate it to music in my life. It's a daily player for me. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
You're music to my eyes
I had to listen just to find you
I'd like for you to let me sing along
Give you a rhythm you feel
Music Means Something... Keep listening, it's there. <3
